Holding Pattern

This is the common theme for me these days, talking about waiting and such. Something clicked in my head tonight, well, a few things. It's a miracle I tell you, this time in the semester I feel more brain dead than intuitive.

College is the biggest waiting game I think i've ever experienced. I was waiting to get into college, waiting to get moved in to college life, waiting to see what my major would actually be. In college you're waiting to finish a semester, waiting to graduate, waiting to see if your GPA is high enough for an honors club or graduate school. You wait to see if the man you will marry will suddenly leave flowers on your windowsill, you wait to see if you will even get married. You wait to see if you will get a job, who you are, what you'll end up doing, what leadership team you'll be on…ect. College is made up of waiting, and it drives me (and everyone I know) CRAZY.

So in the midst of my waiting game, or holding pattern, whatever would be more appropriate; and in the middle of my brain melting from stress, exhaustion, and just end-of-semester everything I finally found something that God used to speak to me. It has been so long since i've had the slightest feeling of anything deep in my soul (and by so long, I mean, I am so exhausted I just can't FEEL anything). So I read about waiting, and then they compared our season's of waiting with David (from the Bible).

David spent years shepherding sheep. YEARS. Hours a day slinging rocks at predators, doing the same thing thousands of other teen boys were doing. But those humdrum times were critical in God's economy. It was there where David began learning of God and gaining revelation of Him unmatched in that day. It was there where David's heart became one after God's own. It was there where David learned to be still, and know that God is God. It's kind of funny that we can look back and see how it was a time of preparation for David, I mean, he wouldn't have killed Goliath without them, he wouldn't be "a man after God's own heart" and a King if he hadn't learned to listen to God in those silent times in the field.

This was my favorite part of that blog:

"What feels like your dead-end right now could be the most critical season for what lies ahead. Now is the time for you to touch eternity. Get to know the One you desire to serve. Let your roots grow down deep so that your ministry flows from intimacy. Turn this season of apparent waiting into one of embracing Him who calls and equips.

“Whoever can be trusted with very little,” Jesus said, “can be trusted with much.” This job and season might seem little to you — as little as slinging a rock seemed to David. But that rock-slinging wasn't little to God. It was absolutely essential on multiple levels.

Being still and waiting might not be the favorites of present-day society, but they are still critical priorities in the Kingdom of God. This time in your life is fertile ground for God to shape Christ-like character, growing roots that have the strength to hold a tree and the fruit it bears. It may be that the only way you could waste it is by wishing it away."

I think that sums it up perfectly.

And now, look what I have to rest in. This is a season, and someday I won't be able to spur-of-the-moment pack up my laptop, Bible and various books and head off campus to Barnes and Noble, grab my favorite coffee, and be ALONE. So, I will enjoy these moments before they are no longer here, even if I desire something else. I have to fall in love with Jesus here, in this time, because if He isn't enough when He is all I have, then He won't be enough when I have everything I desire.

Yes, joy, hope, and love to others even when I look around and realize just about every table is full of couples, I will be with couples next weekend, I will be in a wedding, and then go home to celebrate a marriage that just happened with my friends. Yes, and answer the dreaded question: "So, are there any guys in your life right now?". I can serve God fully without a relationship, or whatever the world tells me I "must have" to be successful. There, pep talk.

Now, I must go take my first final.

Rings, flings, and other things

Okay, there really isn't a "fling" it just rhymed.

They say Spring is the time when the most relationships start, I say, FALSE! Fall is in fact the time for budding relationships to blossom…or shrivel up like the dying leaves. Good analogy? I believe it's safe to say that I have 20 friends, not couples, friends who have started serious relationships/gotten married/engaged since the summer, but mainly fall. Crazy, right?

I guess I am saying that i'm fine being here, but it's exciting to see everyone else start a new chapter of life; and experience that with them.

I can't believe this is the last week of classes before finals and break. The semester went by so fast and I have so much to do! Applications to turn in this week, projects to finish, tests to study for, weddings to be in, miles to drive home..you know. The normal…right?

I guess, as a young woman now, and as someone who has no idea what God is calling her to; it's easy for me to wonder what the rest of this winter will hold. Will it blossom into something beautiful and unexpected, or is it not yet time?

I guess it's something that..you're right, only time will tell. As I write this a girl just came in gushing about a date, exciting..and a chance to be envious..but ALAS! perfect timing. Perfect timing...

Church was really good today, i'm blessed to be apart of the community of believers I am in. He (one of the pastors) talked about Baptism, how it was so important to realize how much Christ has given for us; and what that means since we have been baptized. At the end of the sermon they played a video about changing the world. It sunk in, this is where I am now, and this is my time to do what God has called me to do; even if it's alone.

And in this I find my rest, and now I will find rest in the comfort of my bed as well…and hopefully I will wake up and it will be snowy outside again…or something like that :)

Bringing me to life

This is a time in my life where God is reinforcing so many things I believe, or tell my girls about, into daily life for me. As in, it's easy for me to believe something because I know it's Biblical truth and to tell girls who come and ask for advice on it…but, it's so much harder when I have to apply it to my life

Ah, so much easier said than done. As it always is.

"God is waiting for you to say and believe that I need Him more than I need my dreams to happen.

His grace is more than enough to not only heal a broken heart but fill it overflowing.

He is waiting for me to realize have that dreams on my list would not make me

feel more fulfilled than picking up my cross to follow Him."

I'm a woman, let's be real…I desire to be a wife and a mother. There BAM it's written. I know that the majority of women feel this way if they aren't married, especially if they are single and about to graduate and enter the real world…alone. It's terrifying to be honest. But, we can't anchor our identity in something smaller than Jesus. I know for myself it's something that has enslaved me. Who doesn't want to be loved and cherished and with a man of God who is leading you and serving in ministry alongside of you? I mean, it's something I feel that God has created me for.It's when I let that desire become so much stronger than anything else that it isn't good. I, as a woman of God, need to be immersed in the ministry and service He has called me to at THIS moment.

Our identity, security, purpose and meaning must be found in Christ, the One who has already chosen and accepted you.

There, i'm done ranting. So, things are stressful and don't always work out as hoped/planned/expected…but that doesn't mean that GOD is not BIG enough, STRONG enough, or WORTHY enough.

Because Jesus has won I am free to fail,

because Jesus is strong I am free to be weak,

because Jesus is someone, I am free to be no one.

"Oh God, let your grace illuminate the heart in me, you're brining me to life,

and i'm finding who I am in you. You're changing me inside

and i'm finding who I am in you, who I am in you."

I'm home, it's a glorious thing, it reminds me of how much I am loved, it reminds me who I was and who the Lord is creating me to be now. I get to see real life modeled by godly men and women..you know, outside of the college bubble; and I get to fellowship with people who have seen me growing up, seen where I have come from and understand that and encourage me to press on to where I am supposed to be.

Sometimes, I am so consistently battered by some things, that it's almost nice when it all comes crashing down, it's a painful relief. I know, that sounds contradictory, but sometimes it's just so good to finally have at least a moment of clarity, or I guess, maybe it would just be a break from those situations. Vague, right? Well, I really like this quote:

"FEARLESS is not the absence of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you've been hurt before. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again.. even though every time you've tried before you have lost. It's FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to some one who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them. I think its FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he's in love with some one else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they'll never stop doing, I think it's FEARLESS to stop believing them. It's FEARLESS to say "you're NOT sorry" and walk away. I think loving some one despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright... That's FEARLESS too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. Because love is FEARLESS." -Taylor Swift I guess, I know what I feel God has called me to, and I just need to run in that direction with all that I have and know that His plan will include things I don't expect. But, we can't put ideas in God's mouth, because that isn't even logical. "God, I trust you, and I think you really want ___________ for my life, thank you.." Ridiculous. So, I will run forward and pray, and know that someday…just, someday.

True Rest.

"I'm restless until I rest in You, O God."

This song/quote is constantly stuck in my head, and i'm in love with the variations of it. It can never cease to apply to my life, examples:

"Our hearts are restless until they rest in thee"-St. Augustine

"Our hearts are LONELY until they rest in you O God"- Elisabeth Elliot

"I'm restless until I rest in You, O God."- Audrey Assad

I know this quote and I memorize it, hang it on my dorm room wall, write it on my hand, in my journal. It's everywhere, but I seemed to only remember it today after the fact. Ah, happens to the best of us…I guess, it keeps me humble.

I stand amazed at the Beauty of the Lord sometimes, even just in his gentle prodding to look back up at Him. Also, when I walk outside and it's blue skies and beautiful, and even more so on those cloudy fall days where the wind softly blows my hair and I look up to those red leaves falling to the ground. Those are the moments my heart is overflowing with giddy joy and love, because I know He loves me too. More than I can even comprehend, and no matter what my flesh thinks I need, all I NEED is Christ. To run after His calling, cling to His love; because it is better than life. Although, that is so difficult to comprehend at times. I know I am beautiful because of Christ, I know i'm loved by Christ, I know i'm enough in Christ, and I know that no matter what I do His plans and callings on my life are irrevocable. How can anyone compete with that? How could I desire more than that?

Here I am to say, i'm so excited to see what God will do with this 20th year of life, if I stay at this school, if i'm single, if I go to Africa, or if I start grad school. I know God's plans will amaze me, and He won't fail me.

Anyways, that's all I had to say.

Now, back to finishing my Counseling position statement, 10 more pages to go!

Someday Soon

I feel like my life hasn't changed at all since the last post. It's a waiting process.

You know when the leaves start to change and the smells of fall are fragrant, you know that a big change is coming. The weather is going to change, the colors will brighten before falling to the ground. Suddenly even though you've prepared for the changes, they still take you by surprise. You walk outside one morning and everything is red and yellow, and leaves flutter to the ground like snow. It's a glorious thing, something that I wait for all year.

We have to wait for everything, I feel like this very moment is how I feel on the inside. We have plans at 9, and we are just waiting. My heart is so full right now, and well it almost feels like a small rabbit is doing back flips inside of me. A feeling that I can't decide if it makes me want to laugh or throw up. Another story for another day.

I have to sensor my thoughts about what to write at this moment, because this isn't a diary, and even though there are things I want to say…I can't. But, there is a story I will say, although I am almost ashamed to say is me at times. I'm sure the story of Abraham and Sarah is well known, the angel came to tell them she would become pregnant and have a son; Sarah who was OLD, laughed at the angel. Because, no way she could get pregnant when she was almost old enough to be a great-grandmother; no way God would do that. Even though He promised this to them, it was impossible, right? Well, she thought so, then came Isaac.

I feel this way sometimes, I pray about specific situations, relationships, ministry opportunities, and then laugh because surely God wouldn't use me to do that, i've only been a prayer group leader, I….(fill in the blank with excuses I make) and God says, but i've promised this to you. I have this great plan for your life, TRUST me. Watch and see what I can do, WAIT on me and let me do this in MY timing; Not yours.

So, i'm rambling in this post, it's because i'm nervous about tonight. Okay, yes, i'm nervous, and it's not about Inception's ending.

I really like the story about Martha and Jesus after Lazarus' death. Martha is always remembered as the sister who was distracted with serving, while her sister sat and listened to Jesus' teaching. Martha was reprimanded by Jesus after she asked him to have Mary come help her; because her priorities weren't right. Well, in this next story she is in Jesus had known her brother was dying, but waited in a different city for 3 days before coming to see him; by this time Lazarus had already died. Instead of Martha being very upset and angry with Jesus for waiting to come she says to him "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give you."

Jesus tells her that her brother will rise again, Martha knows Jesus can do anything, yet she doesn't ask the obvious question, she instead assumes he means when he is taken to heaven. Martha simply trusts that God's plan is enough, even though Jesus could have come sooner and saved her brother. She ends the conversation by saying "Yes Lord; I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, who is coming into the world". She has no idea that Jesus planned on raising her brother from the dead after all. Martha simply trusted and waited in Christ and His plan exceeded her wildest expectations.

So, here I still sit, waiting on God. Holding on to His hand for dear life as He leads me. Even though it feels like i'm being lead me through the forest trails and my eyes are not yet adjusted to the dark. I know that once we get into an open part i'll be utterly amazed at the view….that it will be totally worth it. The unknown is just nerve-wracking, even if the Guide knows the perfect way and won't get lost. And someday soon i'll wake up and the leaves will be fluttering softly to the ground and i'll wonder when it happened so quickly. Someday Soon.

This song is stuck in my head: Someday Soon by Francesca Battistelli. :)

Just Wait.

Wait.

Just look at that word, it makes me a little nauseated... yet excited. But, at the moment nauseated, and I can't determine if that IBS or the fact that God is constantly saying: "Beloved, WAIT...stop trying to plan and dream, and imagine your future or tomorrow, just WAIT."

I decided a moment ago to look up every time the Bible uses the word "Wait", Bibledictionary.com gave me 132 results, but that was only in one version... and I know that there are probably more. I must though only remark on those because I don't have the time or energy to do an exhaustive search on the word. I did however use this handy dictionary to look up the meanings of the word. Here they are:

"to remain stationary in readiness or expectation

to pause for another to catch up

to look forward expectantly

to hold back expectantly"

A good majority of the times the Bible references the word wait, as far as I have noted, (so, all of you exhaustive word studiers I may not be perfectly correct) has the person, or group of people told to wait on the Lord's commands. Whether that be waiting on the Lord to tell them when to leave, when to fight, or in a personal struggle, He commands with full authority in knowing everything, and unfailing love at wanting the best for His people, that they should WAIT on His signal.

The funny thing is, when the people listened, God didn't fail them but brought them to victory, or like when Naomi told Ruth to wait on the Lord and let God work in Boaz she ended up marrying a godly man, because she gave up all she had to follow God, and then waited on His ultimate plan and provision for her life. She didn't enter the land knowing she would meet and marry Boaz, and she had to wait and see if he would step up and fight for her.

"Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage;wait for the LORD!"

"Our soul waits for the LORD;he is our help and our shield"

"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,for my hope is from him."

" I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,and in his word I hope;"

"wait for the LORD, and he will deliver you."

"Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you,and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.

For the LORD is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him."

"From of old no one has heard or perceived by the ear, no eye has seen a God besides you,who acts for those who wait for him"

"The LORD is good to those who wait for him,to the soul who seeks him"

Those are only a few verses that I really enjoyed from Psalms and Proverbs. I got really distracted from those verses to this point by roommates making dinner and a phone call...but, this is what God is teaching me, to WAIT on the Lord. Oh, and it's so hard...especially hard when I don't understand where God is leading me.

We can survive the wait together.

Rest

This is probably the reason for why I am so tired MWF classes, I stay up late blogging to an unseen world about what God is teaching me. I will just pretend this plays on some significance, somewhere.

Some days or weeks after a good period of calm it feels like everything comes to a screeching halt or the majority of things that seem important to me become overwhelming or fail me. It's in that moment I realize i've probably been idolizing them in my life. Well, the past two days were that way for me. Friendships broken, my heart hurt, lies believed, school work overwhelming, ministry seemed daunting, I felt like I was failing. It was so easy for me to finally break under the pressure. Exhausted. Not even a 5 hour nap could cure my sense of loss deep down in my heart. I was hurt. I had a strong disdain for my life. Why wasn't God…there?

Now, don't get me wrong, I knew He was there…I also knew I stopped pursuing him and started relying on the magnificent self. Fail.

You think I would learn. You think that after such a revelation in my life 2 months ago I wouldn't come back to this place. Oh, but how easy it is to rely on self for protection, for handling situations. Well, I fail without Christ. I fail at friendships because I don't love the way i'm supposed to. I fail at school because I am not wise or diligent without God. Life without God is bleak.

I read this blog last night that was…exactly what I needed to hear. I'm just going to copy exactly what I wrote down last night:

"I'mm finding who I am in you"

I am so overwhelmed right now, friends are upset with me, time management is a fail. I haven't really searched for God in weeks, i've tried to be high and mighty. So many people have started new godly relationships. I have so many emotions, not that I am not over joyed for them, I am! It is wonderful God has blessed them with that. But, is there something wrong with me? I have to give up my desires to follow God and His leading? How? I desire a godly husband to love and lead me…and I pray and wait for that…but, it seems as though there is not even a peace. My desires aren't taken away, or given to peace. I'm reading an article on Boundless.org called "Hating your life" it says: "He (God) was waiting for me to be willing to decrease so that He could increase. He was waiting for me to say (and believe) that I needed Him more than I needed my dreams to happen. He was waiting for me to know His grace is more than enough to not only heal my broken heart, but to fill it overflowing. He was waiting for me to realize that no check-marked box would make me feel as whole and fulfilled as picking up my cross and following Christ would. He was waiting for me to trust His strength is made perfect in my weakness"

I don't think that could have come at a better time. Do I know what God has planned for the rest of this semester? No. Next semester? The Summer? The Fall? no, I have no idea. But, I don't need to. If I follow God, He will lead me. As impractical as that sounds today. I can't set a list of what I want God to do in my life because that isn't trusting God, that's expecting God to follow MY plan. When has MY plan ever been a great idea? Never. God's plan is not my plan but it surpasses my wildest expectations, and He has proved Himself so far. So, I may not be in leadership next year, I may not travel the world this summer, I may not play in a river with hundreds of teens, I may not get married for 10 years…but is God not sufficient enough to meet my needs in whatever His plan is? Does He not see my heart, passions and desires and plan to meet them according to His will? I think He does. Actually, I know He does.

So, i'm human, I know, shocker. Friends out there who expect me to be perfect, i'm not. I'm sorry. I can't make everyone happy, I can't say the right things all the time, or read your mind. I can't fulfill the desires you have, that is not my purpose. I will never be what the world expects me to be, but that's not what i'm called to be. I'm called to be a woman of God fully pursuing a relationship with God…and let Him lead me and determine my value and worth. He is enough for me and I will not put my satisfaction in any other.

I love fall by the way, I think this is one of the ways God shows His love to me, by the changing of the leaves…the Lord is doing a new thing my friends!

There are so many things on my mind that I want to share, but I don't really know how to. How about I just give you the point-by-point Readers Digest version of my life right now:

1. My life is absolutely crazy right now, it's overwhelming, but I love it. Let me rephrase that so you better understand, I would absolutely hate it and feel as if I was dying if I didn't have someone holding me together, telling me how much He loves me, how great I am. I could not do this without Christ.

2. So many of my precious friends are dating/marrying their future spouses. It's really exciting to see how God brings people together. It also makes it better when you get to throw showers, and buy dresses and get manicures and stand and celebrate with your friend on her wedding day.

Ah, it's such a lovely thing, feeling loved enough to be a bridesmaid. Maybe that's a girl thing?

3. It's raining, and chilly outside. I LOVE it. Almost time to break out the pea coat and boots. Oh, that reminds me of my need for super glue! Anyone have some?

4. God has been putting different situations in front of me to see if I live out what I speak. It's rough, but really awesome to realize how much I CANNOT do on my own. I'm so unable to do this without Him.

5. I love graphic design. LOVE it. SO glad that it's my major

6. I'm going to Honduras this summer I think, or working at camp, or spending a month overseas with Xtreme Impact. Okay, I don't know exactly what i'm going to be doing, but it's going to be awesome wherever God leads me.

Quotes for the day:

"Our Hearts are RESTLESS

Until they REST in thee O God"

"One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek:

that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,

to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple"

"Atoning sacrifice

Keeper of this life

Hallelujah You are savior

Beginning and the end

Forgiver of my sin

By Your mercy You have saved us

Jesus You are stronger

More than any other

Hallelujah what a savior

Jesus You are higher

My soul´s deepest desire

Hallelujah you are savior

You are the shepherd king

You lead us by still waters

Hallelujah You are savior

You are my only hope

Your kindness is my friend

In Your presence You restore us

You are the way the truth and the life

You are my joy and salvation

Stood in my place taking my shame

Upon your shoulder"

And that is how I leave this post my friends, with one of my favorite songs of the moment.

New Seasons

This picture describes how I feel. Peaceful.

Okay, i'm over the panic that ensued yesterday. Panic might be an exaggeration, but i'm good now.

So, I love school. I really do, I love my hall, and all of my classes…even having projects due every day. EVERY day. I love it. I have good roommates and girls on my hall, even if some ditch you for a guy…they are still great. Really, really great. But, this week marks the 2 year anniversary of doing Old School! I cannot believe it, I feel old, 3 years since I graduated high school? Two years since I spent a semester in the woods? A year since I transferred to school in VA? It is so crazy how time has flown by. The Lord has changed me so much since that time, SO much. It's actually shocking. I'm definitely not who I used to be, and i'm so thankful for that…and I can't wait to see how He will grow me this year…and where i'll be in two years, because I have no idea. Sometimes it's easy to dwell on those sweet moments with God from the past, but there will be more. I feel like this semester and year hold something bigger than I can imagine. Or maybe want to imagine at this moment because it seems to good to be true. Point of this being, the moments i've had up until this moment right now, just with God and I have been the sweetest. He's into romancing me. It's just breathtaking. God of the Universe, THE GOD, romances me. Little me. What more could I want? What more could satisfy than this? Ah, I love adventures and His are the best.

FALL IS COMING! A new season is starting, a new adventure.

I've been thinking a lot recently about missions. Really camp got me started thinking about it more intensely, but then I came back to school and I realized how much God has laid that on my heart, even if only for a season or short term.

Although, there is one continent that is specifically laid on my heart, Africa. Kenya, Uganda, some place. I really think about it so much, not in a "leap for joy" way, but, i'm going there someday. God keeps bringing this chapter back to my mind, Isaiah 61. I read it during Beth Moore Bible study this past semester, during my Captivating Bible study this summer; and now so often in my quiet time or at Church.

"The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me

to bring good news to the poor, He has sent me to bind up the

Brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the

opening of the prisons to those who are bound…to grant those

who mourn beauty for ashes, a garment of praise instead of

a faint spirit…they shall build up ancient ruins; they shall

raise up the former devastation's; they shall repair the

ruined cities, the devastation of many generations."

I love this. I am in love with this, but seriously, beyond any pre conceived notion that comes to your mind when people say this i'm so in love with God, He is so good and faithful to me. I know that hard times come, and this season is hard and fruitful all in one. Constantly I am having to be broken and reminded that i'm given this ministry of being a small group leader on my hall by the mercy of God. Constantly having to renounce old things, or old lies that i've believed; that satan likes to bring back to my mind. It's such a blessing to see how God works in the lives of others. It reminds me of how little I have to do with things like this. Definitely humbling, and challenging.

Well, this entry feels like a diary. Oops. But seriously, i'm so excited about the new season God is bringing in my life; even if somedays it's not exactly as I would plan…it always ends up better. I'm so blessed, and in love. Which, contrary to popular belief (at least here) is possible without a boyfriend.

"Put away old winds, the Lord is doing a new thing!"

Apparently my roommate has informed me that i'm structured. We've been discussing the pro's and con's of this. It really seems like quite an unfortunate issue to have, if you only saw my planner! Really, I think it's a case of forgetfulness, if I don't write down when I need to be somewhere or what needs to be done by a certain day, it won't ever get accomplished.

Oh gracious. Structure? S T R U C T U R E. It just sounds like a sentence, like a 45 year old mother with 5 children.

Is this bad? Maybe I should psychoanalyze myself?

No, I feel like i'm the balance. Maybe?

Beauty that Lasts

My heart is eluding with a joy that is indescribable.

Not that I have anything mastered, if I ever claim that please find me and slap me in the face, I would be a liar.

I won't hide from you my heart though, I discovered something during Bible Study tonight that captivated me…not only was my beauty not something to hide, but my beauty was envied. No, I do not claim that I am the most beautiful on my outward appearance, and praise God! Because I know that it would become a source of pride in my heart. But, well, i'm just going to copy and paste what I sent to a dear friend of mine:

"Tonight in Bible Study, oh it was so intense, such a vulnerable time just to be transparent with other women. I am captivated by Christ, seriously…there is this joy that is exuding from my pores…haha gross analogy isn't it? But seriously, I have never felt such joy in this freedom in Christ. Seeing hurts in others and recognizing it as lies that I believed. Not that it's not a struggle, it's daily, hourly…but, I learned something I had NEVER heard or pondered before.

Satan, we hear that he was the most beautiful of all…he was gorgeous, but when he fell he lost that beauty. There is no way he can be beautiful ever again. Who did he attack in the garden? The very person that exhibited God's beauty, Eve. Who and what does he continue to attack, who does he try to make so vulnerable we break under the pressure? Women and our beauty, our worth.

I heard that and I was absolutely stunned. I had never thought about the beauty a woman holds as a threat to satan, but that's exactly it. Whether it's outward or inward, he wants to make us feel as though we aren't worth it because when we are masked by our insecurity we veil our beauty. But, it's the beauty of a woman that heals, it's the beauty of a woman's soul that can bind up broken hearts..it's the beauty of the heart that radiates to the outside that captivates.

I'm so in awe. Our beauty and worth have power. Of course satan is attacking you darling, because he see's who you are going to be and he's afraid of it. My friend, take heart right now. I know, I know, it's really really REALLY hard..but I feel like you're being attacked because He knows how strong you really are. You are worth it, you are absolutely beautiful, you have a heart that I admire. Everyone loves you because of your wisdom and your passion for the things of Christ. Don't let the lies penetrate you and get you down.

You are worth it and you are a valiant warrior beauty, and HE is fighting for you."

To be honest I feel this way about every woman, my heart breaks for all of us. O! The lies we have believed, the truth and love that God is waiting to bestow on us. He BESTOWS beauty on us.

Something that I feel God has called me to in the future is marriage, I would love to be married, but I do not think that it is a perfect love story like is depicted in movies.I guess, for so long i've been captivated by this idea of being married that I have been distracted from my True Love. Oh yes, I knew He was there, and I pursued him…half heartedly, but then I was romanced by Him. Romanced in the way that we as women desire, we seek it out in movies, or books..or whatever way we can. We fail though at finding a satisfying romance, we date around…and are not satisfied, some marry, and are not satisfied. Yet, we wonder "why?". Well, "Our hearts are restless until they rest in YOU" as St. Augustine said. It's so true. My goodness, i'm so captivated by how much he loves us. Seriously, He LOVES us with an unfailing love that is imperishable, He has given EVERYTHING, would DO anything to reveal that to us. Yet, we are blinded by satan. Blinded by lies. For so long, even during ministry I have been blinded..yes, I have served, but now with my heart having been broken and opened…everything is different.

My mind can no longer process and I feel as if I could go on for longer..but, sleep and early morning phone dates are calling my name…and the dentist that looks like a guy from camp.

Prepare yourself for a lot of reading...

Restless, I am restless until I rest in you O God. Oh repeat was one of the greatest inventions known to the iPod generation. Although, car sickness was not. I must say that I get carsick easily, maybe it’s the fact I consumed almost half a liter of water in the past ten minutes. I haven’t posted anything on here in a long time, I guess it’s just as well. I’ve been learning a lot and there would have been so many confusing posts up until now.

Road Trips and I have a love/hate relationship. They are fun with friends, sometimes fun with family, but never fun 4 hours into the trip. It’s the first few and last few that always make up the most memorable experiences. Of this i’m absolutely positive. A few examples to assure you that i’m right.

Old School Semester 2008, Sea Kayaking section. 12 people in a 15 passenger van traveling from Andrews, NC to the Everglades, FL. That in itself should be enough right there, but some moments include, driving through GA and passing by a huge peach as Brittany yells in a very agitated manner that the “peach” we were referring to was really a pear. False, GA Peaches. It made for a hilarious moment though. Another from that trip would be forgetting to get the passcode for the campground we were staying at and the guys legitimately guessing the code and getting in at midnight. Impressive, if that’s illegal then I omit that statement.

Last Thursday I drove up to camp with the other Brittany and we, during the long drive, got really entertained at strange billboards. Really, who thinks of some of those. Ironically they were in Georgia as well. Maybe Georgia is just the state I have a love/hate relationship with? It is always the longest to drive through going to camp or school. Well, i’m glad I figured that out.

The real point of this is to say, I am driving (through GA) home from camp. The sad thing is those of you that read this and have never been to Snowbird will never understand the torn emotions at that statement. It’s the strangest feeling, driving down the four-way away from Andrews and Murphy. It’s as if part of your mind is screaming “ARE YOU CRAZY? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? TURN AROUND NOW” and the other part of me knows I have to go home, and I have to go back to the ministry I am called to next semester. Oh, how I wish it was camp all year. One week of working at camp is like running a marathon then only drinking half a nalgene of water. Terrible idea . I’m kidding, it was great to be in that community and get to meet new staff this past week. It totally solidified that passion God has placed in my life. I love people, and I am absolutely in love with working with teen girls. I love, and this may be weird to you, sitting and listening to their hearts and passions, and pain, then showing them the overwhelming power of Christ.

It’s a little overwhelming to think that it is what God calls me to do. Partially because it was always such a big dream of mine going through middle and high school. I don’t think I would have ever pictured my life the way it is right now. Praise God. What a treasure we have in Christ, who fulfills his purpose for our lives in a way greater than we could have ever comprehended. I’m really excited to see what My Beloved has planned for me next. I’m really excited that he has placed at Liberty this semester, a large group of Snowbird Staff. Let’s be honest, it is one of the biggest blessings ever.

I guess i don’t really know what it feels like to fall in love, but if Idid, then I could assure you that i’m over love, I am drowning in adoration for My Beloved, absolutely sinking. Not, that it means I am great, or perfect. I sometimes think that makes me more like an open wound. Susceptible to more pain because the more I get to know him, the more II see how absolutely unworthy I am of this love He has given me. BUT! He loves me is absolutely captivated by me. I know, it’s so great, i’m loving every minute of it. I love realizing how hard He is pursuing me, and getting to know him more intimately. The reason i’m telling you this isn’t for my own gain, but I just think it’s great how He does that with each one of us. God sees us in complete ruin, and reaches down and rescues us, brings us up and let’s us rest in Him. He pursues us even when we run away, still stretching out His hands to hold us and forgive us when we come back to him. Living He loved me, Dying He saved me, Buried He carried my sins far away, Rising He justified freely forever. Now He is coming! Oh Glorious Day!

Really, this is just lovely. I hope you feel the same way about Him that I do.

Oh, one of my absolute best friends Brittany Bingham got engaged. Yeah, it’s awesome. I’m so excited. Have I ever mentioned how much I love weddings.

Forgiveness

Yesterday at Church our wonderful Pastor spoke on forgiveness. I won't lie I wasn't feeling well, I didn't want to go but I now see why all of the excuses were popping up. Anyways, despite all of the reasons to not go I went. And I am SO glad I did. I think everyone can use a good preaching on Forgiveness.

Here are some notes I had:

When someone does something to offend you, it isn't NATURAL to forgive them

When you refuse to forgive someone, you are the one in bondage

Too often what we do in human nature is keep score; And we feel a way we can punish them is by withholding forgiveness from them. As long as we don't forgive then you have the person in bondage.

Have you extended grace to the person who has sinned against you. We live supernatural lives, not natural lives

If we don't forgive we think it will make them behave. We make them try to earn our forgiveness. They then wonder what they can do and struggle with that.

Romans says: "Do you not know that it is the goodness of God to lead them to repentance"

Proverbs : By mercy truth and iniquity are purged.

We don't forgive cause as long as we don't forgive it keeps the focus on that person and keeps the focus off me. Before you refuse to forgive someone you need to remember you aren't perfect either. Have you never sinned against them? Basically it is not talking about what you ahve done but how htey have wronged you.

If you want to be free you must forgive

Ephesians 4 "Let all bitterness and wrath and bitter speaking be put away from you with all malice.

Bitterness- is an addiction to anger.

STOP TREATING OTHERS AS IF THEY AHVE NO VALUE OR PLACE IN YOUR LIFE.

"And be ye kind one to another forgiving one another just as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you."

Forgiving one another. ARe you willing to forgive?

Why should it be done? Even for God, through Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

Yes, I was challenged by that. So, here I am practicing what I have heard preached. :)