Just Wait.

Wait.

Just look at that word, it makes me a little nauseated... yet excited. But, at the moment nauseated, and I can't determine if that IBS or the fact that God is constantly saying: "Beloved, WAIT...stop trying to plan and dream, and imagine your future or tomorrow, just WAIT."

I decided a moment ago to look up every time the Bible uses the word "Wait", Bibledictionary.com gave me 132 results, but that was only in one version... and I know that there are probably more. I must though only remark on those because I don't have the time or energy to do an exhaustive search on the word. I did however use this handy dictionary to look up the meanings of the word. Here they are:

"to remain stationary in readiness or expectation

to pause for another to catch up

to look forward expectantly

to hold back expectantly"

A good majority of the times the Bible references the word wait, as far as I have noted, (so, all of you exhaustive word studiers I may not be perfectly correct) has the person, or group of people told to wait on the Lord's commands. Whether that be waiting on the Lord to tell them when to leave, when to fight, or in a personal struggle, He commands with full authority in knowing everything, and unfailing love at wanting the best for His people, that they should WAIT on His signal.

The funny thing is, when the people listened, God didn't fail them but brought them to victory, or like when Naomi told Ruth to wait on the Lord and let God work in Boaz she ended up marrying a godly man, because she gave up all she had to follow God, and then waited on His ultimate plan and provision for her life. She didn't enter the land knowing she would meet and marry Boaz, and she had to wait and see if he would step up and fight for her.

"Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage;wait for the LORD!"

"Our soul waits for the LORD;he is our help and our shield"

"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,for my hope is from him."

" I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,and in his word I hope;"

"wait for the LORD, and he will deliver you."

"Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you,and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.

For the LORD is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him."

"From of old no one has heard or perceived by the ear, no eye has seen a God besides you,who acts for those who wait for him"

"The LORD is good to those who wait for him,to the soul who seeks him"

Those are only a few verses that I really enjoyed from Psalms and Proverbs. I got really distracted from those verses to this point by roommates making dinner and a phone call...but, this is what God is teaching me, to WAIT on the Lord. Oh, and it's so hard...especially hard when I don't understand where God is leading me.

We can survive the wait together.

Rest

This is probably the reason for why I am so tired MWF classes, I stay up late blogging to an unseen world about what God is teaching me. I will just pretend this plays on some significance, somewhere.

Some days or weeks after a good period of calm it feels like everything comes to a screeching halt or the majority of things that seem important to me become overwhelming or fail me. It's in that moment I realize i've probably been idolizing them in my life. Well, the past two days were that way for me. Friendships broken, my heart hurt, lies believed, school work overwhelming, ministry seemed daunting, I felt like I was failing. It was so easy for me to finally break under the pressure. Exhausted. Not even a 5 hour nap could cure my sense of loss deep down in my heart. I was hurt. I had a strong disdain for my life. Why wasn't God…there?

Now, don't get me wrong, I knew He was there…I also knew I stopped pursuing him and started relying on the magnificent self. Fail.

You think I would learn. You think that after such a revelation in my life 2 months ago I wouldn't come back to this place. Oh, but how easy it is to rely on self for protection, for handling situations. Well, I fail without Christ. I fail at friendships because I don't love the way i'm supposed to. I fail at school because I am not wise or diligent without God. Life without God is bleak.

I read this blog last night that was…exactly what I needed to hear. I'm just going to copy exactly what I wrote down last night:

"I'mm finding who I am in you"

I am so overwhelmed right now, friends are upset with me, time management is a fail. I haven't really searched for God in weeks, i've tried to be high and mighty. So many people have started new godly relationships. I have so many emotions, not that I am not over joyed for them, I am! It is wonderful God has blessed them with that. But, is there something wrong with me? I have to give up my desires to follow God and His leading? How? I desire a godly husband to love and lead me…and I pray and wait for that…but, it seems as though there is not even a peace. My desires aren't taken away, or given to peace. I'm reading an article on Boundless.org called "Hating your life" it says: "He (God) was waiting for me to be willing to decrease so that He could increase. He was waiting for me to say (and believe) that I needed Him more than I needed my dreams to happen. He was waiting for me to know His grace is more than enough to not only heal my broken heart, but to fill it overflowing. He was waiting for me to realize that no check-marked box would make me feel as whole and fulfilled as picking up my cross and following Christ would. He was waiting for me to trust His strength is made perfect in my weakness"

I don't think that could have come at a better time. Do I know what God has planned for the rest of this semester? No. Next semester? The Summer? The Fall? no, I have no idea. But, I don't need to. If I follow God, He will lead me. As impractical as that sounds today. I can't set a list of what I want God to do in my life because that isn't trusting God, that's expecting God to follow MY plan. When has MY plan ever been a great idea? Never. God's plan is not my plan but it surpasses my wildest expectations, and He has proved Himself so far. So, I may not be in leadership next year, I may not travel the world this summer, I may not play in a river with hundreds of teens, I may not get married for 10 years…but is God not sufficient enough to meet my needs in whatever His plan is? Does He not see my heart, passions and desires and plan to meet them according to His will? I think He does. Actually, I know He does.

So, i'm human, I know, shocker. Friends out there who expect me to be perfect, i'm not. I'm sorry. I can't make everyone happy, I can't say the right things all the time, or read your mind. I can't fulfill the desires you have, that is not my purpose. I will never be what the world expects me to be, but that's not what i'm called to be. I'm called to be a woman of God fully pursuing a relationship with God…and let Him lead me and determine my value and worth. He is enough for me and I will not put my satisfaction in any other.

I love fall by the way, I think this is one of the ways God shows His love to me, by the changing of the leaves…the Lord is doing a new thing my friends!