The Name

I put a super long post to my twitter, i'm cheating on my blog.

I'm sorry. No one likes a cheater.

Long Easter weekend! Chelsea is coming with me to stay with my family, if she only knew what she was getting herself into :P

I just wanted to write a short little thing, because that's how I do…I think that would have worked out better if you could have heard me say it, that doesn't sound gansta at all. Anyways,

I have a problem, good are bad, I don't think I care anyone else's opinion. Only because…well, i'm not sure, but my blog post so let me continue. I have huge desires for my life, some may think that's good and some may think the underlying selfishness in the fact that they are MY plans is bad. I am in the middle.

What I mean is, there are things I have wanted to do for years. Such as, get married, my mother always told me that i've been dreaming of being married since I was like 5. That's a long time and I think that's one of those desires that is from God, I mean, it's obviously a consistent desire…I digress. I want to do something BIG for God, I don't know exactly other than I would love to work for a large Christian organization. Not because that would make me a better Christian, but because I want to be a part of something bigger than myself. I would love to work with teens/college students…you know, because I am so much older and wiser :P, really just because these years are hard. Anyways, you get the picture, I have dreams.

I think the biggest problem in my life is fear. I'm going to put some Websters in this joint, these are the many definitions of fear, I dare you to find yourself in it.

"an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat : drivers are threatening to quit their jobs in fear after a cabby's murder | fear of increasing unemployment | he is prey toirrational fears.• archaic a mixed feeling of dread and reverence : the love and fear of God.• ( fear for) a feeling of anxiety concerning the outcome of something or the safety and well-being of someone :police launched a search for the family amid fears for their safety.• the likelihood of something unwelcome happening : she could observe the other guests without too much fear of attracting attention.verb [ trans. ]be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening : he said he didn't care about life so why should he fear death? | [with clause ] farmers fear that they will lose business.• [ intrans. ] ( fear for) feel anxiety or apprehension on behalf of : I fear for the city with this madman let loose in it.• [with infinitive ] avoid or put off doing something because one is afraid : they aim to make war so horrific that potential aggressors will fear to resort to it.• used to express regret or apology :"
Yep, there are a few of those I could probably fit into at least once a week. There is something i'm learning, well, in the slow process of learning. It's more like, well like when you have a canker sore and you have to put that nasty tasting numbing gel on it. The pain, ah, you could punch someone because you are touching a tender sore in your mouth, then the taste gets on your tongue and so you are now not only in pain but ingesting a awful tasting concoction. Really, it seems like the farthest from sane things for that first second, you think "Why? Why would I do this!!" then another second passes and your sore and mouth suddenly fill with a tingly sensation. The pain is temporarily gone and the medicine is healing the sore so it won't continue to remain in your mouth for much longer. That's the process of sanctification i'm in. Sometimes I feel the tingling, but then I take a drink of water to wash out the bitter taste, and the sore, which didn't have time to get nourished by the medicine is back and radiating pain once more.
I sometimes wonder who else feels this way, because I know that I am not alone in my doubts, and worries, fears, and bouts of sadness. I think we have those seasons sometimes, where it's just painful, you know there is joy but for the moment it is sadness that is overcoming. I'm so thankful that we have Christ, no matter how we FEEL, i've been learning how important having faith is. No matter what season it is, we have a reason to praise, Jesus Christ is our Savior, Beloved, and Lord.
I'm thankful that even though fear and doubt, and all of those other emotions that make up those sore's in our life come, even though there are things that hurt us deeply. I'm thankful that we have a God who is a giver, He gives us strength, grace, salvation, love, hope…the list could go on. We have a GREAT High Priest.
So thankful that Jesus came as a man to this earth, in the midst of our depravity and seeing us for who we really are, and died a death he didn't deserve to shed his precious blood as an atonement for my sins. For the sins of the whole world. How unworthy we are and how absolutely worthy He is.

Halfway There!

I think i've started writing a few times and I have never finished. This time I have to admit, I was right, that doesn't always happen…but, this time it's true. I had no idea what this semester would be like, and oh buddy…it's been a big one.

There have been a lot of hard times, and some really precious good ones.

God has answered some of the things I was praying about, and that was neat, and actually a lot more painful than I thought it would be. Sometimes blessings come in the form of a wound being made…and then finally, a scab forms and starts the process of healing. So, that specific situation i'm talking about, has actually been so good for me. I feel like now i'm being able to be free in some areas. I know, really vague, but if anyone would read it…it would be this one as I explain a personal situation. So, i'll pass on the drama :)

The most precious gift was given to my friends Katie and Ian this month, a little baby boy named Noah David. Oh, that little sucker just captured my heart from the first time I heard his heart beat at her doctor appointment. I have never had a good friend have a baby before, so I just have never really felt this way before…oh, and when I got to hold him in my arms for the first time. Oh, yes, I fell in love. I can't even imagine what it would be like to have him all the time, although, I can wait to find out; I really do enjoy sleeping through the night.

I would say that God's plans are just absolutely unknown to me at the moment, I guess some of them will be made known tomorrow when I find out if i'm going to be on leadership again or not. I'm not really nervous about it, I just don't know what to expect, but I am praying that if God has something bigger and better for me to be involved in that He would close this door. I am learning that even though you are involved in something good, it doesn't mean that you are missing out on something GREAT that God would be using you for. I would rather be doing something great for the Lord than just something that looks good to other people. I have to give credit to Brentwood for teaching me this though, man, I love my Church!

This season has probably been one of the hardest in the sense that I know the Lord is doing something big, and so does satan. It seems that with every good thing something hard comes in the breath right after. So, it's more like I scored a goal in soccer and then someone rams me with an elbow in the stomach. Not that it's a bad thing, I know that the Lord is beside me and He is sufficient enough to prevail and do a mighty work here and in my life. I know we'll win the game, I just don't know the next play yet…and I think i'm okay with it…or i'm learning to be.

Whew, i'm writing a ton today, but it's been over a month since i've written; you should know what's going on in my life :)

Can you believe that I graduate next spring? It may seem like no big deal, or if it's one of your first years in college it may seem ideal. False, don't believe that, it's probably the scariest thing that I can think of right now! I don't even like to imagine it, sometimes I even get a little jealous that other people still have a few more years to go. Not because I love class, or homework, but because it's like a safety net. Once you graduate…well, exactly, I don't even know what comes next. I know it will be a brand new season, and it might be the best season ever….but, i'll only be 21. That seems so young…and the fact that I literally have NO idea what I want to do…and I only have a year to figure it out…a little bit of pressure. Man, i've got to go put on some big girl pants and get over it.

All in all, the semester has been one heck of a growing time, I know that I will come out stronger because the Lord is not going to fail me. It's just constantly knowing that He is really in control and being reminded of it every day (and sometimes every moment) instead of just when i'm freaking out. Ah,

"The Lord is gracious to all, He will never permit the righteous to me moved"

I really like Romans 12, if it's not perfect, just take it as a Lindsey paraphrase because I don't know where my Bible is, and if I deviate from this page i'll end up on facebook and late to class…

"I beseech you therefore brothers, by the mercies of God to present your bodies as a living sacrifice holy and acceptable to God which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world but be ye transformed, by the renewing of your minds that you may prove that which is the good, acceptable and perfect will of God…for we are one in the body of Christ…Let love be genuine, abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal; be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality."

Last few things that have been happening as of late:

I had the privilege of celebrating my dear friend Casey's 21st birthday at a really adorable frozen yogurt place in Lynchburg. It was wonderful, I kept telling her we were doing different things so she would have no idea that 12 of her friends were waiting to surprise her. I just love my friends, i'm so thankful for them.

I'm so thankful for (and i'm running out of time, so i'm just listing them) Casey, Amber, Kourtney, Chelsea, Kaytee, Danielle, Megan, and my other dear friends at school. I really am so blessed to have godly friends who really care about pursuing the Lord. It really is a treasure to have friends that desire the same things that you do, and not about having a boyfriend, or materialistic things. Not that we don't desire those, but I know that they are desiring to grow closer to the Lord first. It's a really big blessing.

Last, this is my favorite thing that has happened today…after sheetz being boycotted by Chelsea for their lack of a coke icee and being forced to go to Chickfila so she could have a chicken biscuit to learn that the "number 1's" we ordered were actually lunch items; I went to barnes and noble and got Beth Moore's "David" study and a soy caramel macchiato. I know, thrilling!! I'm actually really excited. I'm telling you guys, the Lord is going to do something good, probably not what I am expecting, but even still, something good.

I hope you are filled with the joy of the Lord today.

New Beginnings

Some pictures to show you a little bit about break

I spoiled the dog, really bad. He just, ah he looks at you with those eyes, and you have to give him treats. It's bad, good thing he's not my child.

Our Christmas Tree has so many ornaments, seriously, i'm pretty sure we didn't even put them all out. AND we still have one in the front room, and my brother and I's bedroom. We just love Christmas.

PASSION 2011. This picture is from the GO-Center, I thought it could sum up the whole experience in itself. Just imagine a large room filled with thousands of college students giving money to those in need. It gives me chills.

PASSION!

Before we went to camp for the party and wedding, we got snowed in and what better thing to do than snowboard?

Those were the pictures from break, and here are the thoughts...

I find it kind of funny in an ironic way that when I have the most free time I end up not blogging. Yet when I am the most swamped with things I should be doing I am on here writing about what is going on in my life.

Maybe that is more idiotic than ironic, as far as grades and priorities are concerned.

Tomorrow I leave my lovely home in the "warm" state without snow, and venture back to school with a pit stop in Durham, NC for the night.

It would by lying to tell you that i'm excited to go back, and it's not because I don't love my school or because I don't have good friends, because I do have some GREAT friends there. It's just, home is sweet, and a joy to be at. Home is comfort, and home is where people not just in my family, but Church family as well, have seen me and know me for who I am and see who I can be.

For a long time I thought if I just got away from all of this "being at home" stuff, that my life would really start, and everything would change, people would fall in love with me because I was ME, and not because I was so-and-so's daughter/sister/niece/friend. And although people do know me at school and camp without those labels and it's a blessing; I do miss being able to say "I'm Lindsey, you know ______'s ______" and have people go "Oh yes! I have heard about you" or "My, how you have grown up, tell me what is going on in your life".

I wish I could tell you all of the great goodness that has gone on in my life this past month on break. I was in one of my best friends weddings, I got to spend time at camp, I went to PASSION (and that in itself should have it's own post), and I got to hang out with people I haven't seen in a few months. I got to visit the youth group, and pop into different small groups and see how my favorite middle school and high school girls were doing. I had the chance to eat the weekly Sunday lunch with my "second family". I got to just relax and be with people who love me unconditionally, and that is a true blessing.

Something that I love is when you get to be around people who are vulnerable with you. Let me explain, I think in a friendship and a community of believers it is important to be able to be honest and open with each other. To sit with tears and through the brokenness of your heart be able to say "I'm struggling with this, and to be honest, I don't know what to do" and not worry about them thinking "no way, I can't believe that, well she isn't as strong as I thought she was" but coming along side of you and saying "I absolutely understand your pain, let me pray with you". I miss that. I have godly friends at school, but sometimes you need more than your peers, but older adults. Which is a little hard to find at a college with the majority of people in their early 20's. But, the Lord is faithful.

The biggest thing I can take away from this break is that for this past semester my identity was so found in ministry, and going higher up in ministry to girls on my hall. It's a great thing, but not when I am putting in my answer for God and not truly taking time to seek His. It took things changing suddenly and really unexpectedly so that it would be impossible for me to even apply for that ministry; for me to see that it wasn't what God had planned for me. Then, I stood at Passion and worshipped the Lord Jesus with 23,000 college students and heard incredible men and women of God say that it didn't matter your age God could use you to change the world. CHANGE THE WORLD. That's not a small thing, and it couldn't be done alone, but only through and for the name of Jesus Christ and His precious gospel.

So long I have tried to do this alone, and be a great woman of God, but I was missing something, I was missing my saving grace, the only One who could provide for my desires.

I know what God will do in my life will exceed my wildest imaginations, and it will be astonishing because it won't be anything I can do on my own apart from Him. I know satan will hate it, and I know that there will be a battle, but I also know, and was reminded of the team that stands behind me, the ones fighting along side of me for the same goal. To glorify the name of Jesus.

Jesus, On my knees, here I fall, in spite of it all

Hallelujah

And though it seems hard, I still trust in your love

Hallelujah

I have fallen so far, flat on my face

I’m in need of your grace today

Hallelujah

Sing hallelujah, amen

I guess it doesn't matter how I feel about going back to school, and living in my dorm room, and taking, dare I say the awful word, MATH. It doesn't really matter because that's what God has called me to do; and God, He never lets what He is doing in your life go uncompleted.