I'm home, it's a glorious thing, it reminds me of how much I am loved, it reminds me who I was and who the Lord is creating me to be now. I get to see real life modeled by godly men and women..you know, outside of the college bubble; and I get to fellowship with people who have seen me growing up, seen where I have come from and understand that and encourage me to press on to where I am supposed to be.

Sometimes, I am so consistently battered by some things, that it's almost nice when it all comes crashing down, it's a painful relief. I know, that sounds contradictory, but sometimes it's just so good to finally have at least a moment of clarity, or I guess, maybe it would just be a break from those situations. Vague, right? Well, I really like this quote:

"FEARLESS is not the absence of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you've been hurt before. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again.. even though every time you've tried before you have lost. It's FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to some one who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them. I think its FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he's in love with some one else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they'll never stop doing, I think it's FEARLESS to stop believing them. It's FEARLESS to say "you're NOT sorry" and walk away. I think loving some one despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright... That's FEARLESS too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. Because love is FEARLESS." -Taylor Swift I guess, I know what I feel God has called me to, and I just need to run in that direction with all that I have and know that His plan will include things I don't expect. But, we can't put ideas in God's mouth, because that isn't even logical. "God, I trust you, and I think you really want ___________ for my life, thank you.." Ridiculous. So, I will run forward and pray, and know that someday…just, someday.

True Rest.

"I'm restless until I rest in You, O God."

This song/quote is constantly stuck in my head, and i'm in love with the variations of it. It can never cease to apply to my life, examples:

"Our hearts are restless until they rest in thee"-St. Augustine

"Our hearts are LONELY until they rest in you O God"- Elisabeth Elliot

"I'm restless until I rest in You, O God."- Audrey Assad

I know this quote and I memorize it, hang it on my dorm room wall, write it on my hand, in my journal. It's everywhere, but I seemed to only remember it today after the fact. Ah, happens to the best of us…I guess, it keeps me humble.

I stand amazed at the Beauty of the Lord sometimes, even just in his gentle prodding to look back up at Him. Also, when I walk outside and it's blue skies and beautiful, and even more so on those cloudy fall days where the wind softly blows my hair and I look up to those red leaves falling to the ground. Those are the moments my heart is overflowing with giddy joy and love, because I know He loves me too. More than I can even comprehend, and no matter what my flesh thinks I need, all I NEED is Christ. To run after His calling, cling to His love; because it is better than life. Although, that is so difficult to comprehend at times. I know I am beautiful because of Christ, I know i'm loved by Christ, I know i'm enough in Christ, and I know that no matter what I do His plans and callings on my life are irrevocable. How can anyone compete with that? How could I desire more than that?

Here I am to say, i'm so excited to see what God will do with this 20th year of life, if I stay at this school, if i'm single, if I go to Africa, or if I start grad school. I know God's plans will amaze me, and He won't fail me.

Anyways, that's all I had to say.

Now, back to finishing my Counseling position statement, 10 more pages to go!

Someday Soon

I feel like my life hasn't changed at all since the last post. It's a waiting process.

You know when the leaves start to change and the smells of fall are fragrant, you know that a big change is coming. The weather is going to change, the colors will brighten before falling to the ground. Suddenly even though you've prepared for the changes, they still take you by surprise. You walk outside one morning and everything is red and yellow, and leaves flutter to the ground like snow. It's a glorious thing, something that I wait for all year.

We have to wait for everything, I feel like this very moment is how I feel on the inside. We have plans at 9, and we are just waiting. My heart is so full right now, and well it almost feels like a small rabbit is doing back flips inside of me. A feeling that I can't decide if it makes me want to laugh or throw up. Another story for another day.

I have to sensor my thoughts about what to write at this moment, because this isn't a diary, and even though there are things I want to say…I can't. But, there is a story I will say, although I am almost ashamed to say is me at times. I'm sure the story of Abraham and Sarah is well known, the angel came to tell them she would become pregnant and have a son; Sarah who was OLD, laughed at the angel. Because, no way she could get pregnant when she was almost old enough to be a great-grandmother; no way God would do that. Even though He promised this to them, it was impossible, right? Well, she thought so, then came Isaac.

I feel this way sometimes, I pray about specific situations, relationships, ministry opportunities, and then laugh because surely God wouldn't use me to do that, i've only been a prayer group leader, I….(fill in the blank with excuses I make) and God says, but i've promised this to you. I have this great plan for your life, TRUST me. Watch and see what I can do, WAIT on me and let me do this in MY timing; Not yours.

So, i'm rambling in this post, it's because i'm nervous about tonight. Okay, yes, i'm nervous, and it's not about Inception's ending.

I really like the story about Martha and Jesus after Lazarus' death. Martha is always remembered as the sister who was distracted with serving, while her sister sat and listened to Jesus' teaching. Martha was reprimanded by Jesus after she asked him to have Mary come help her; because her priorities weren't right. Well, in this next story she is in Jesus had known her brother was dying, but waited in a different city for 3 days before coming to see him; by this time Lazarus had already died. Instead of Martha being very upset and angry with Jesus for waiting to come she says to him "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give you."

Jesus tells her that her brother will rise again, Martha knows Jesus can do anything, yet she doesn't ask the obvious question, she instead assumes he means when he is taken to heaven. Martha simply trusts that God's plan is enough, even though Jesus could have come sooner and saved her brother. She ends the conversation by saying "Yes Lord; I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, who is coming into the world". She has no idea that Jesus planned on raising her brother from the dead after all. Martha simply trusted and waited in Christ and His plan exceeded her wildest expectations.

So, here I still sit, waiting on God. Holding on to His hand for dear life as He leads me. Even though it feels like i'm being lead me through the forest trails and my eyes are not yet adjusted to the dark. I know that once we get into an open part i'll be utterly amazed at the view….that it will be totally worth it. The unknown is just nerve-wracking, even if the Guide knows the perfect way and won't get lost. And someday soon i'll wake up and the leaves will be fluttering softly to the ground and i'll wonder when it happened so quickly. Someday Soon.

This song is stuck in my head: Someday Soon by Francesca Battistelli. :)