The woman I want to be...

"She is clothed with strength and dignity, she laughs at days to come."

There are things that I look back at and second guess my choices, I know, I know. Don't look back, make a choice that you are positive it right and don't look back . If that's the case, well, I don't do so well. There are friendships that I let fade because I was tired of pretending, and tired of always having to please them. And they are done, there are things that I don't regret about doing that, we just weren't going in the same direction. It happens. It's those what if's...two simple words that when put together mean something so much more intense and haunting.

What about decisions to do the more "responsible" thing and give up the part of you that you absolutely love. The thing you feel that you are called to do? Was it a decision made in a time of complete exhaustion in every area of my life? Or maybe it really was the best choice for everyone? I am still in complete shock that I am not there, how am I not there pretending to be giving CPR or learning skits? How am I not in a cabin on top of the hill trying to hear if there is a rodent in the roof as we sleep? Or putting a cup underneath the small hole that is letting a consistent small drop of water hit the floor?

I just want to lay on the floor and just yell STOP! I don't want to do this anymore! Life doesn't always go how we want or try to plan it.

I guess that's the beauty of trusting it all to God, that the choices we make are not a surprise to Him, even if it's a dumb decision or a decision He wants that we just do not understand.

Let us sing praises to the King, the only One who is faithful to see us through.

Oh, that I would become the lady that Proverbs talks about, that I could emulate her every move.

To be a woman so faithful, honest, and loving.

Waiting. Laughing at days to come.

Worth it.

Sweet Summertime, Superiority complex..I get that a lot.

I REALLY wish I could smell the mountains, don't judge me. They smell like summer, sweet. Maybe that's where the idea for that song name came from? It is country, and the smell comes from the country mountain air...hmm ponderings...

I got REALLY tickled today about two things, which really isn't saying much. They happened as I was laying around enjoying a day off of classes before the work gets overwhelming; one I had be muling over in my head for the past few days, the other came about when I was taking a break from doing math homework.

The first is this, there is this one concept we studied briefly in my PSYC 341 class. It was the "Superiority Complex" which is defined as an exaggerated feeling of superior to others. I suppose there are many ways people do this, if you are in high school it would be: a Coach purse, AE jeans, the "in" shoe...at least those were some things when I was in high school. Others may be a really great job, being an RA for some (which is REALLY annoying, i'm glad you are an RA but really? you don't have to be a jerk). Some girls like the "I have a boyfriend" one, which really doesn't make you any more superior just more clingy and obnoxious. I also have been seeing this Yellow Lamborghini on my way to the gym the past few days, parked "inconspicuously" sideways in the parking lot near the road. I mean, it's a cool car, I don't really blame him that costs more than my tuition but still, 3 parking spaces? You aren't that important. Are you?

Anyways, the context in which this came up in my life, oh rabbit trails, was pertaining to MACs or really anything Apple related. I was teasing my friend about how her PC that's 2 years old just crashed again, and how I LOVE my computer because it's beautiful, and is magical. Especially when i'm designing things. She said that anytime anyone bought a MAC, iPad, iTouch ect. they automatically gained a superiority complex and found everyone that had an off-brand inferior to their high spending capabilities. It was SO funny and made me laugh.

The second, would be this show called "I get that a lot"; I had never been able to watch it before tonight but it is HILARIOUS! There are 5 celebrities at different locations just doing random things like working at a fast food restaurant, selling clothes, or whatever. If someone came up to them and said "Hey are you...." or "You really look like..." they would just say "I get that a lot" or make fun of that person. They would convince some people that they aren't themselves, and sometimes the unsuspecting citizens would start to say "Good, they aren't that attractive" or "They are TERRIBLE at acting/singing/modeling" THAT is when it was REALLY funny. Talk about getting ca reality check, there are people making fun of you to their face in the most blunt way possible. But, it's Hilarious. Good job CBS.

I also REALLY like that I have callouses on my fingers again from my guitar, yay MAC for having a built in guitar tuner and Garage Band to teach me how to play different songs. BAM! Beat that!

Oh, it is WAY past my bedtime I have an earlyyyy class tomorrow.

Oh, there are things I am starting to detest. One of them being the end of a semester. I love the end of Fall semester because You get a month off; i'm not digging the end of the year though, because I am comfortable now. No, I don't want to be stuck in these classes anymore and yeah, I would like to get out of my dorm. But new hall, new RA's new leadership team. New college for the summer, now under my parents roof again. Everything is different. And i'm not sure how I feel about it yet.

I also am so tired of lies, truth is found in Christ, I understand that. But I am sick of hearing that a size 2 is pretty, perfectly composed hair is ideal, a guy will only like you if...., ect. It is SO frustrating. I don't even understand, and honestly i'm starting to give up on the whole "perfect guy" thing, I mean, no man is perfect, but it just seems like even the "godly men" are just messing around and doing whatever they want; but yeah sure i'll take that...no...no..no. That's NOT fair, if it happened in the past sure, forgiven. But, if right now it's going on, I mean come on we all know that someday we will be married to someone...is there no sanctity in marriage anymore? i'm really fine single. I actually enjoy it quite a bit..I know, I know, another lie "You really can't be happy/successful/normal if you are alone"; well i've done it for all this time. And really, God is the only one providing me satisfaction. Okay, I know this boils down to actually not trusting God with every area of my life. I'm working on it. One day at a time.

On the other hand I must say that I am so enthralled with finding new music, not just the boring stuff that everyone listens to but new things..I haven't found any in the past couple days so that's a fail, but hey, you can't always get what you want.

Oh, the end of the semester when lack of sleep, and frustration at life in general prevails.

A break will be good, really good. I think.

Don't worry, I really am not going psychotic, i'm a psych major so i'm coaxing myself back towards self actualization. Got to keep on that path, maybe this has something to do with my past...what stage am I stuck in? Just kidding.

This is why I need music, because psychology and graphic design, I LOVE them, they are wonderful. But music, that's what gets me through (okay, you know besides Christ) I can just sing and play music to get out my thoughts, or write, this is doing wonders for me too.

"In this life, I know what I am, here in your arms is where I stand. I'm forgiven, i'm forgiven. I don't have to carry the weight of who i've been, i'm a treasure in the arms of Christ"

Okay, I need sleep, I promise i'm okay and this is just out of frustration.I know God is faithful and He will fulfill all of His plans in His perfect timing. I'm totally up for surprises.