The woman I want to be...

"She is clothed with strength and dignity, she laughs at days to come."

There are things that I look back at and second guess my choices, I know, I know. Don't look back, make a choice that you are positive it right and don't look back . If that's the case, well, I don't do so well. There are friendships that I let fade because I was tired of pretending, and tired of always having to please them. And they are done, there are things that I don't regret about doing that, we just weren't going in the same direction. It happens. It's those what if's...two simple words that when put together mean something so much more intense and haunting.

What about decisions to do the more "responsible" thing and give up the part of you that you absolutely love. The thing you feel that you are called to do? Was it a decision made in a time of complete exhaustion in every area of my life? Or maybe it really was the best choice for everyone? I am still in complete shock that I am not there, how am I not there pretending to be giving CPR or learning skits? How am I not in a cabin on top of the hill trying to hear if there is a rodent in the roof as we sleep? Or putting a cup underneath the small hole that is letting a consistent small drop of water hit the floor?

I just want to lay on the floor and just yell STOP! I don't want to do this anymore! Life doesn't always go how we want or try to plan it.

I guess that's the beauty of trusting it all to God, that the choices we make are not a surprise to Him, even if it's a dumb decision or a decision He wants that we just do not understand.

Let us sing praises to the King, the only One who is faithful to see us through.

Oh, that I would become the lady that Proverbs talks about, that I could emulate her every move.

To be a woman so faithful, honest, and loving.

Waiting. Laughing at days to come.

Worth it.

Sweet Summertime, Superiority complex..I get that a lot.

I REALLY wish I could smell the mountains, don't judge me. They smell like summer, sweet. Maybe that's where the idea for that song name came from? It is country, and the smell comes from the country mountain air...hmm ponderings...

I got REALLY tickled today about two things, which really isn't saying much. They happened as I was laying around enjoying a day off of classes before the work gets overwhelming; one I had be muling over in my head for the past few days, the other came about when I was taking a break from doing math homework.

The first is this, there is this one concept we studied briefly in my PSYC 341 class. It was the "Superiority Complex" which is defined as an exaggerated feeling of superior to others. I suppose there are many ways people do this, if you are in high school it would be: a Coach purse, AE jeans, the "in" shoe...at least those were some things when I was in high school. Others may be a really great job, being an RA for some (which is REALLY annoying, i'm glad you are an RA but really? you don't have to be a jerk). Some girls like the "I have a boyfriend" one, which really doesn't make you any more superior just more clingy and obnoxious. I also have been seeing this Yellow Lamborghini on my way to the gym the past few days, parked "inconspicuously" sideways in the parking lot near the road. I mean, it's a cool car, I don't really blame him that costs more than my tuition but still, 3 parking spaces? You aren't that important. Are you?

Anyways, the context in which this came up in my life, oh rabbit trails, was pertaining to MACs or really anything Apple related. I was teasing my friend about how her PC that's 2 years old just crashed again, and how I LOVE my computer because it's beautiful, and is magical. Especially when i'm designing things. She said that anytime anyone bought a MAC, iPad, iTouch ect. they automatically gained a superiority complex and found everyone that had an off-brand inferior to their high spending capabilities. It was SO funny and made me laugh.

The second, would be this show called "I get that a lot"; I had never been able to watch it before tonight but it is HILARIOUS! There are 5 celebrities at different locations just doing random things like working at a fast food restaurant, selling clothes, or whatever. If someone came up to them and said "Hey are you...." or "You really look like..." they would just say "I get that a lot" or make fun of that person. They would convince some people that they aren't themselves, and sometimes the unsuspecting citizens would start to say "Good, they aren't that attractive" or "They are TERRIBLE at acting/singing/modeling" THAT is when it was REALLY funny. Talk about getting ca reality check, there are people making fun of you to their face in the most blunt way possible. But, it's Hilarious. Good job CBS.

I also REALLY like that I have callouses on my fingers again from my guitar, yay MAC for having a built in guitar tuner and Garage Band to teach me how to play different songs. BAM! Beat that!

Oh, it is WAY past my bedtime I have an earlyyyy class tomorrow.

Oh, there are things I am starting to detest. One of them being the end of a semester. I love the end of Fall semester because You get a month off; i'm not digging the end of the year though, because I am comfortable now. No, I don't want to be stuck in these classes anymore and yeah, I would like to get out of my dorm. But new hall, new RA's new leadership team. New college for the summer, now under my parents roof again. Everything is different. And i'm not sure how I feel about it yet.

I also am so tired of lies, truth is found in Christ, I understand that. But I am sick of hearing that a size 2 is pretty, perfectly composed hair is ideal, a guy will only like you if...., ect. It is SO frustrating. I don't even understand, and honestly i'm starting to give up on the whole "perfect guy" thing, I mean, no man is perfect, but it just seems like even the "godly men" are just messing around and doing whatever they want; but yeah sure i'll take that...no...no..no. That's NOT fair, if it happened in the past sure, forgiven. But, if right now it's going on, I mean come on we all know that someday we will be married to someone...is there no sanctity in marriage anymore? i'm really fine single. I actually enjoy it quite a bit..I know, I know, another lie "You really can't be happy/successful/normal if you are alone"; well i've done it for all this time. And really, God is the only one providing me satisfaction. Okay, I know this boils down to actually not trusting God with every area of my life. I'm working on it. One day at a time.

On the other hand I must say that I am so enthralled with finding new music, not just the boring stuff that everyone listens to but new things..I haven't found any in the past couple days so that's a fail, but hey, you can't always get what you want.

Oh, the end of the semester when lack of sleep, and frustration at life in general prevails.

A break will be good, really good. I think.

Don't worry, I really am not going psychotic, i'm a psych major so i'm coaxing myself back towards self actualization. Got to keep on that path, maybe this has something to do with my past...what stage am I stuck in? Just kidding.

This is why I need music, because psychology and graphic design, I LOVE them, they are wonderful. But music, that's what gets me through (okay, you know besides Christ) I can just sing and play music to get out my thoughts, or write, this is doing wonders for me too.

"In this life, I know what I am, here in your arms is where I stand. I'm forgiven, i'm forgiven. I don't have to carry the weight of who i've been, i'm a treasure in the arms of Christ"

Okay, I need sleep, I promise i'm okay and this is just out of frustration.I know God is faithful and He will fulfill all of His plans in His perfect timing. I'm totally up for surprises.

Perfect Peace

Random pondering's for today: There is something about a peacock feather that has always intrigued me, although after actually seeing a wild one in a tree and being told they look like eyes staring back at you. I must admit that my love for them is on an individual basis. One or two is fine, more than that just freaks me out a little bit.

I like to spend my Sunday afternoons alone or with a friend that doesn't mind just doing her own thing. I would much rather sit down at a coffee shop and do my quiet time or some home work then go back to a tan walled dorm room where my roommate could still be sleeping. I am realizing more and more the blessing of being alone at times. I have never actually enjoyed this before now, I always felt the need to be with someone, be doing something, all the time. Okay, not that I don't ever want to do anything, for some reason this past friday night everyone was either out of town, sick, or just felt like chillin' in the dorm. Not me, so, I tried to do the friday night thing alone. I went up to Church, wasn't feelin' it. I went to B&N that lasted long enough to grab Starbucks. I wandered around campus by my dorm, and it felt creepy. So, I ended up working out and watching Ugly Betty and Pride and Prejudice. So, Sundays are a rarity for me.

My point in writing that was just to tell about my afternoon at the bookstore. I grabbed my Grande Soy Carmel Macchiato and MultiGrain Bagel, sat down and got to spend a few hours working through my Beth Moore Bible Study. I feel like there has been this verse attached to my ankle since my junior year of High School. The juniors always got to plan, and decorate the for the Junior-Senior candlelight event. That was the theme verse since we were on a ship, it just sounded like a good verse to have. "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is fixed on thee because he trusts in you." -Isaiah26:3. And ever since then it pops up in a ever stealthy way when it seems like that "Peace like a river" is more like a huge flood coming to overwhelm me. Well, guess what verse todays "Homework" was on? Yeah Isaiah 26:3.

Something I think is really interesting is that we HATE to admit our strongholds, hate it. We don't want anyone to know or see what could end up making us look "weak". Because we are SO perfect and everything. Well, in ancient Corinth and really every ancient greek city, they had a fortress on top of the highest peak in the city. Whenever there was a war everyone that was of any importance would go up there because this place was virtually impenetrable. Even to this day they still stand strong while the rest of the city lays in ruins. Isn't this so true of life? I think so, we have these things in our life, good or bad, that we let be our shelter. Even if we hate it, we still keep it and run to it when things are good, or bad; even if we let God mold and rebuild the rest of our lives we keep that fortress to ourselves, never fully surrendering it to Christ. Sometimes the thing we most hate is the object we cling to most dearly. How naive we can be to think that God would take something from us not to better us and replace it with something greater but to think that he wants us to live in want. A life surrendered to God is not void but lived to the fullest and beyond the expectation of our greatest dreams.

I am so intrigued by this, and what my life surrendered will end up becoming.

Another Day

Today was GLORIOUS! I really do appreciate laying in the sun for hours at a time with friends. Not that the sun particularly seems to think that my skin needs to loose the marshmallow white color the winter has given it. All in good time, all in good time.

I think there is this really great quality of God that He has been revealing to me a lot lately. It is seeing myself as His beloved bride. Maybe this resonates inside of me because I am a girl; and I don't know very many, if any girls that have never dreamed of being a bride. But that's how He sees me. He even wrote passages describing this glorious wedding day. It's not some fairytale or something to try and comfort believers right now; it's real life. REAL LOVE.

Psalm 45 is my favorite talking about this wedding day. It's really long so i'm going to paraphrase. The chapter starts off describing the groom; he is strong, noble, the best among all men. He is a valiant warrior- which might be one of my favorite descriptions of Him because I want my man to be a protector. The groom will reign forever and ever and everything He does is perfect and good. It then describes the wedding party; and the beautiful palaces of ivory adorned for the wedding. The stringed instruments playing in the background- then the Bride. It says: "The King is Enthralled with YOUR Beauty."

Enthralled, to captivate, charm, enchant, fascinate, delight; win, ensnare, mesmerize, spell bind.

That's how he feels, every day. Yeah, no big deal.

This glorious warrior, kind, caring, loving, perfect man; not only Died for me but lives to pursue me because He loves me, because He loves YOU.

I feel the need to clarify, not because I think you really need to know, but I will anyways. I do desire to be married someday, here. But I know and have felt heartbreak from relationships where God has not been the priority in my life. It's nothing like God doesn't want to see me happy, but more like if I trust in Him that in His perfect plan and timing it will work out and exceed my expectations.

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: That if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that He hears us-whatever we ask- will know that we have what we asked of Him."-1 John 5:14-15.

Ah, my thoughts are scattered...but that's a consistent thing in my life; and that's okay. It makes life way more entertaining. May the unfailing love of the Lord Jesus Christ Bless your day.

Unfailing Love

My thoughts at night are so random...but I will enlighten you anyways,

I love music. I love it a lot, a day without music would really be impossible to comprehend because I hear it everywhere. Not just on the radio or iPod, but in the way the trees move and the birds chirp their own melodies to God. It's beautiful, as if beautiful could adequately describe it.

Let's just get this fact out there, I go to the most wonderful school ever. I have been SO blessed even before I made it to this new home of mine. I got to travel around North Carolina doing things that people DREAM of doing but never get to do. Mountain biking, Backpacking, White water rafting, Climbing, Sea Kayaking, Caving...not only does it sound incredible, scary, amazing, and breathtaking, it was. To think that I was planning on heading to a small college in PA after graduation and God was just waiting for me to get over the plans I thought were great and let me do Old School. Something that I would have NEVER done if I hadn't known beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was where God was leading me.

But back to where I am now, this school that has students from over 80 countries, over 80 majors, 12,000 residential students. This wonderful place that God has let me come to. Oh, how His plan continues to exceed mine. I remember in high school applying to come here but really just to add another acceptance letter to the pile- I was that kid. I never wanted to attend a LARGE college, Christian college-yeah. Big school? NO WAY. I also said I would never go to a community college, but that changed last year too. Oh, Liberty University, you are a TRUE blessing.

So, whether or not I have communicated it effectively I am madly in love with this man, He is ...well, words don't describe Him. He keeps surprising me with these great experiences. The whole earth SINGS of His glory. Yeah, cheesy, it's God. I love Him, really and truly He alone can rescue me, He alone can satisfy me. There is this funny thing about His love though, as much as it makes me thrilled I also tend to take it for granted...but His love for me never fails, ever.Even though I forget how He sent his beloved down to DIE for me, because I get so consumed in myself. I forget how He has created such a marvelous, intricate earth, because I am so lost in thinking of what I have to do next. I forget that He is Enthralled with my beauty, because I let the world define what that really means.

My love has been teaching me so much this semester; about everything really. Shaping and molding me more like He is. Maybe I should have said I USED to forget all of those things He did/does for me because He has absolutely captured my heart. From this past winter seeing SNOW and how magical it is, how He took the time to put detail in EVERY snowflake. And there are a lot of them! To this spring seeing the flowers grow, and trees bud; I don't believe I have ever stopped to notice something so magical. Every time I walk outside I am captivated. This was made for me, He loves me so much He did all of this for me. Yeah, that is crazy! I don't know how I could desire anything else. And, I don't.

I am in love, and yes, like they say it is wonderful. You can hear music in the wind and the trees, you can see beauty in the fading leaves. Love makes everything brighter, sweeter. Love makes you realize that the crazy standards or ideas everyone has about you or for you are just that, crazy. Because Love, my Love says that I am His and He is mine. Forever. Nothing I could do could change that, and He never wants to hurt me so I don't even have to worry about Him. Everyday when I wake up there is this blanket of love over me, and my darling is saying

"How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful!".

I'm pretty excited about this. I'm also pretty excited that I get to go worship Him with other believers that are just as overtaken by His love as I am. Oh, this unfailing love that covers me.