Just Wait.

Wait.

Just look at that word, it makes me a little nauseated... yet excited. But, at the moment nauseated, and I can't determine if that IBS or the fact that God is constantly saying: "Beloved, WAIT...stop trying to plan and dream, and imagine your future or tomorrow, just WAIT."

I decided a moment ago to look up every time the Bible uses the word "Wait", Bibledictionary.com gave me 132 results, but that was only in one version... and I know that there are probably more. I must though only remark on those because I don't have the time or energy to do an exhaustive search on the word. I did however use this handy dictionary to look up the meanings of the word. Here they are:

"to remain stationary in readiness or expectation

to pause for another to catch up

to look forward expectantly

to hold back expectantly"

A good majority of the times the Bible references the word wait, as far as I have noted, (so, all of you exhaustive word studiers I may not be perfectly correct) has the person, or group of people told to wait on the Lord's commands. Whether that be waiting on the Lord to tell them when to leave, when to fight, or in a personal struggle, He commands with full authority in knowing everything, and unfailing love at wanting the best for His people, that they should WAIT on His signal.

The funny thing is, when the people listened, God didn't fail them but brought them to victory, or like when Naomi told Ruth to wait on the Lord and let God work in Boaz she ended up marrying a godly man, because she gave up all she had to follow God, and then waited on His ultimate plan and provision for her life. She didn't enter the land knowing she would meet and marry Boaz, and she had to wait and see if he would step up and fight for her.

"Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage;wait for the LORD!"

"Our soul waits for the LORD;he is our help and our shield"

"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,for my hope is from him."

" I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,and in his word I hope;"

"wait for the LORD, and he will deliver you."

"Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you,and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.

For the LORD is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him."

"From of old no one has heard or perceived by the ear, no eye has seen a God besides you,who acts for those who wait for him"

"The LORD is good to those who wait for him,to the soul who seeks him"

Those are only a few verses that I really enjoyed from Psalms and Proverbs. I got really distracted from those verses to this point by roommates making dinner and a phone call...but, this is what God is teaching me, to WAIT on the Lord. Oh, and it's so hard...especially hard when I don't understand where God is leading me.

We can survive the wait together.

Rest

This is probably the reason for why I am so tired MWF classes, I stay up late blogging to an unseen world about what God is teaching me. I will just pretend this plays on some significance, somewhere.

Some days or weeks after a good period of calm it feels like everything comes to a screeching halt or the majority of things that seem important to me become overwhelming or fail me. It's in that moment I realize i've probably been idolizing them in my life. Well, the past two days were that way for me. Friendships broken, my heart hurt, lies believed, school work overwhelming, ministry seemed daunting, I felt like I was failing. It was so easy for me to finally break under the pressure. Exhausted. Not even a 5 hour nap could cure my sense of loss deep down in my heart. I was hurt. I had a strong disdain for my life. Why wasn't God…there?

Now, don't get me wrong, I knew He was there…I also knew I stopped pursuing him and started relying on the magnificent self. Fail.

You think I would learn. You think that after such a revelation in my life 2 months ago I wouldn't come back to this place. Oh, but how easy it is to rely on self for protection, for handling situations. Well, I fail without Christ. I fail at friendships because I don't love the way i'm supposed to. I fail at school because I am not wise or diligent without God. Life without God is bleak.

I read this blog last night that was…exactly what I needed to hear. I'm just going to copy exactly what I wrote down last night:

"I'mm finding who I am in you"

I am so overwhelmed right now, friends are upset with me, time management is a fail. I haven't really searched for God in weeks, i've tried to be high and mighty. So many people have started new godly relationships. I have so many emotions, not that I am not over joyed for them, I am! It is wonderful God has blessed them with that. But, is there something wrong with me? I have to give up my desires to follow God and His leading? How? I desire a godly husband to love and lead me…and I pray and wait for that…but, it seems as though there is not even a peace. My desires aren't taken away, or given to peace. I'm reading an article on Boundless.org called "Hating your life" it says: "He (God) was waiting for me to be willing to decrease so that He could increase. He was waiting for me to say (and believe) that I needed Him more than I needed my dreams to happen. He was waiting for me to know His grace is more than enough to not only heal my broken heart, but to fill it overflowing. He was waiting for me to realize that no check-marked box would make me feel as whole and fulfilled as picking up my cross and following Christ would. He was waiting for me to trust His strength is made perfect in my weakness"

I don't think that could have come at a better time. Do I know what God has planned for the rest of this semester? No. Next semester? The Summer? The Fall? no, I have no idea. But, I don't need to. If I follow God, He will lead me. As impractical as that sounds today. I can't set a list of what I want God to do in my life because that isn't trusting God, that's expecting God to follow MY plan. When has MY plan ever been a great idea? Never. God's plan is not my plan but it surpasses my wildest expectations, and He has proved Himself so far. So, I may not be in leadership next year, I may not travel the world this summer, I may not play in a river with hundreds of teens, I may not get married for 10 years…but is God not sufficient enough to meet my needs in whatever His plan is? Does He not see my heart, passions and desires and plan to meet them according to His will? I think He does. Actually, I know He does.

So, i'm human, I know, shocker. Friends out there who expect me to be perfect, i'm not. I'm sorry. I can't make everyone happy, I can't say the right things all the time, or read your mind. I can't fulfill the desires you have, that is not my purpose. I will never be what the world expects me to be, but that's not what i'm called to be. I'm called to be a woman of God fully pursuing a relationship with God…and let Him lead me and determine my value and worth. He is enough for me and I will not put my satisfaction in any other.

I love fall by the way, I think this is one of the ways God shows His love to me, by the changing of the leaves…the Lord is doing a new thing my friends!

There are so many things on my mind that I want to share, but I don't really know how to. How about I just give you the point-by-point Readers Digest version of my life right now:

1. My life is absolutely crazy right now, it's overwhelming, but I love it. Let me rephrase that so you better understand, I would absolutely hate it and feel as if I was dying if I didn't have someone holding me together, telling me how much He loves me, how great I am. I could not do this without Christ.

2. So many of my precious friends are dating/marrying their future spouses. It's really exciting to see how God brings people together. It also makes it better when you get to throw showers, and buy dresses and get manicures and stand and celebrate with your friend on her wedding day.

Ah, it's such a lovely thing, feeling loved enough to be a bridesmaid. Maybe that's a girl thing?

3. It's raining, and chilly outside. I LOVE it. Almost time to break out the pea coat and boots. Oh, that reminds me of my need for super glue! Anyone have some?

4. God has been putting different situations in front of me to see if I live out what I speak. It's rough, but really awesome to realize how much I CANNOT do on my own. I'm so unable to do this without Him.

5. I love graphic design. LOVE it. SO glad that it's my major

6. I'm going to Honduras this summer I think, or working at camp, or spending a month overseas with Xtreme Impact. Okay, I don't know exactly what i'm going to be doing, but it's going to be awesome wherever God leads me.

Quotes for the day:

"Our Hearts are RESTLESS

Until they REST in thee O God"

"One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek:

that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,

to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple"

"Atoning sacrifice

Keeper of this life

Hallelujah You are savior

Beginning and the end

Forgiver of my sin

By Your mercy You have saved us

Jesus You are stronger

More than any other

Hallelujah what a savior

Jesus You are higher

My soul´s deepest desire

Hallelujah you are savior

You are the shepherd king

You lead us by still waters

Hallelujah You are savior

You are my only hope

Your kindness is my friend

In Your presence You restore us

You are the way the truth and the life

You are my joy and salvation

Stood in my place taking my shame

Upon your shoulder"

And that is how I leave this post my friends, with one of my favorite songs of the moment.

New Seasons

This picture describes how I feel. Peaceful.

Okay, i'm over the panic that ensued yesterday. Panic might be an exaggeration, but i'm good now.

So, I love school. I really do, I love my hall, and all of my classes…even having projects due every day. EVERY day. I love it. I have good roommates and girls on my hall, even if some ditch you for a guy…they are still great. Really, really great. But, this week marks the 2 year anniversary of doing Old School! I cannot believe it, I feel old, 3 years since I graduated high school? Two years since I spent a semester in the woods? A year since I transferred to school in VA? It is so crazy how time has flown by. The Lord has changed me so much since that time, SO much. It's actually shocking. I'm definitely not who I used to be, and i'm so thankful for that…and I can't wait to see how He will grow me this year…and where i'll be in two years, because I have no idea. Sometimes it's easy to dwell on those sweet moments with God from the past, but there will be more. I feel like this semester and year hold something bigger than I can imagine. Or maybe want to imagine at this moment because it seems to good to be true. Point of this being, the moments i've had up until this moment right now, just with God and I have been the sweetest. He's into romancing me. It's just breathtaking. God of the Universe, THE GOD, romances me. Little me. What more could I want? What more could satisfy than this? Ah, I love adventures and His are the best.

FALL IS COMING! A new season is starting, a new adventure.

I've been thinking a lot recently about missions. Really camp got me started thinking about it more intensely, but then I came back to school and I realized how much God has laid that on my heart, even if only for a season or short term.

Although, there is one continent that is specifically laid on my heart, Africa. Kenya, Uganda, some place. I really think about it so much, not in a "leap for joy" way, but, i'm going there someday. God keeps bringing this chapter back to my mind, Isaiah 61. I read it during Beth Moore Bible study this past semester, during my Captivating Bible study this summer; and now so often in my quiet time or at Church.

"The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me

to bring good news to the poor, He has sent me to bind up the

Brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the

opening of the prisons to those who are bound…to grant those

who mourn beauty for ashes, a garment of praise instead of

a faint spirit…they shall build up ancient ruins; they shall

raise up the former devastation's; they shall repair the

ruined cities, the devastation of many generations."

I love this. I am in love with this, but seriously, beyond any pre conceived notion that comes to your mind when people say this i'm so in love with God, He is so good and faithful to me. I know that hard times come, and this season is hard and fruitful all in one. Constantly I am having to be broken and reminded that i'm given this ministry of being a small group leader on my hall by the mercy of God. Constantly having to renounce old things, or old lies that i've believed; that satan likes to bring back to my mind. It's such a blessing to see how God works in the lives of others. It reminds me of how little I have to do with things like this. Definitely humbling, and challenging.

Well, this entry feels like a diary. Oops. But seriously, i'm so excited about the new season God is bringing in my life; even if somedays it's not exactly as I would plan…it always ends up better. I'm so blessed, and in love. Which, contrary to popular belief (at least here) is possible without a boyfriend.

"Put away old winds, the Lord is doing a new thing!"

Apparently my roommate has informed me that i'm structured. We've been discussing the pro's and con's of this. It really seems like quite an unfortunate issue to have, if you only saw my planner! Really, I think it's a case of forgetfulness, if I don't write down when I need to be somewhere or what needs to be done by a certain day, it won't ever get accomplished.

Oh gracious. Structure? S T R U C T U R E. It just sounds like a sentence, like a 45 year old mother with 5 children.

Is this bad? Maybe I should psychoanalyze myself?

No, I feel like i'm the balance. Maybe?

Beauty that Lasts

My heart is eluding with a joy that is indescribable.

Not that I have anything mastered, if I ever claim that please find me and slap me in the face, I would be a liar.

I won't hide from you my heart though, I discovered something during Bible Study tonight that captivated me…not only was my beauty not something to hide, but my beauty was envied. No, I do not claim that I am the most beautiful on my outward appearance, and praise God! Because I know that it would become a source of pride in my heart. But, well, i'm just going to copy and paste what I sent to a dear friend of mine:

"Tonight in Bible Study, oh it was so intense, such a vulnerable time just to be transparent with other women. I am captivated by Christ, seriously…there is this joy that is exuding from my pores…haha gross analogy isn't it? But seriously, I have never felt such joy in this freedom in Christ. Seeing hurts in others and recognizing it as lies that I believed. Not that it's not a struggle, it's daily, hourly…but, I learned something I had NEVER heard or pondered before.

Satan, we hear that he was the most beautiful of all…he was gorgeous, but when he fell he lost that beauty. There is no way he can be beautiful ever again. Who did he attack in the garden? The very person that exhibited God's beauty, Eve. Who and what does he continue to attack, who does he try to make so vulnerable we break under the pressure? Women and our beauty, our worth.

I heard that and I was absolutely stunned. I had never thought about the beauty a woman holds as a threat to satan, but that's exactly it. Whether it's outward or inward, he wants to make us feel as though we aren't worth it because when we are masked by our insecurity we veil our beauty. But, it's the beauty of a woman that heals, it's the beauty of a woman's soul that can bind up broken hearts..it's the beauty of the heart that radiates to the outside that captivates.

I'm so in awe. Our beauty and worth have power. Of course satan is attacking you darling, because he see's who you are going to be and he's afraid of it. My friend, take heart right now. I know, I know, it's really really REALLY hard..but I feel like you're being attacked because He knows how strong you really are. You are worth it, you are absolutely beautiful, you have a heart that I admire. Everyone loves you because of your wisdom and your passion for the things of Christ. Don't let the lies penetrate you and get you down.

You are worth it and you are a valiant warrior beauty, and HE is fighting for you."

To be honest I feel this way about every woman, my heart breaks for all of us. O! The lies we have believed, the truth and love that God is waiting to bestow on us. He BESTOWS beauty on us.

Something that I feel God has called me to in the future is marriage, I would love to be married, but I do not think that it is a perfect love story like is depicted in movies.I guess, for so long i've been captivated by this idea of being married that I have been distracted from my True Love. Oh yes, I knew He was there, and I pursued him…half heartedly, but then I was romanced by Him. Romanced in the way that we as women desire, we seek it out in movies, or books..or whatever way we can. We fail though at finding a satisfying romance, we date around…and are not satisfied, some marry, and are not satisfied. Yet, we wonder "why?". Well, "Our hearts are restless until they rest in YOU" as St. Augustine said. It's so true. My goodness, i'm so captivated by how much he loves us. Seriously, He LOVES us with an unfailing love that is imperishable, He has given EVERYTHING, would DO anything to reveal that to us. Yet, we are blinded by satan. Blinded by lies. For so long, even during ministry I have been blinded..yes, I have served, but now with my heart having been broken and opened…everything is different.

My mind can no longer process and I feel as if I could go on for longer..but, sleep and early morning phone dates are calling my name…and the dentist that looks like a guy from camp.

Prepare yourself for a lot of reading...

Restless, I am restless until I rest in you O God. Oh repeat was one of the greatest inventions known to the iPod generation. Although, car sickness was not. I must say that I get carsick easily, maybe it’s the fact I consumed almost half a liter of water in the past ten minutes. I haven’t posted anything on here in a long time, I guess it’s just as well. I’ve been learning a lot and there would have been so many confusing posts up until now.

Road Trips and I have a love/hate relationship. They are fun with friends, sometimes fun with family, but never fun 4 hours into the trip. It’s the first few and last few that always make up the most memorable experiences. Of this i’m absolutely positive. A few examples to assure you that i’m right.

Old School Semester 2008, Sea Kayaking section. 12 people in a 15 passenger van traveling from Andrews, NC to the Everglades, FL. That in itself should be enough right there, but some moments include, driving through GA and passing by a huge peach as Brittany yells in a very agitated manner that the “peach” we were referring to was really a pear. False, GA Peaches. It made for a hilarious moment though. Another from that trip would be forgetting to get the passcode for the campground we were staying at and the guys legitimately guessing the code and getting in at midnight. Impressive, if that’s illegal then I omit that statement.

Last Thursday I drove up to camp with the other Brittany and we, during the long drive, got really entertained at strange billboards. Really, who thinks of some of those. Ironically they were in Georgia as well. Maybe Georgia is just the state I have a love/hate relationship with? It is always the longest to drive through going to camp or school. Well, i’m glad I figured that out.

The real point of this is to say, I am driving (through GA) home from camp. The sad thing is those of you that read this and have never been to Snowbird will never understand the torn emotions at that statement. It’s the strangest feeling, driving down the four-way away from Andrews and Murphy. It’s as if part of your mind is screaming “ARE YOU CRAZY? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? TURN AROUND NOW” and the other part of me knows I have to go home, and I have to go back to the ministry I am called to next semester. Oh, how I wish it was camp all year. One week of working at camp is like running a marathon then only drinking half a nalgene of water. Terrible idea . I’m kidding, it was great to be in that community and get to meet new staff this past week. It totally solidified that passion God has placed in my life. I love people, and I am absolutely in love with working with teen girls. I love, and this may be weird to you, sitting and listening to their hearts and passions, and pain, then showing them the overwhelming power of Christ.

It’s a little overwhelming to think that it is what God calls me to do. Partially because it was always such a big dream of mine going through middle and high school. I don’t think I would have ever pictured my life the way it is right now. Praise God. What a treasure we have in Christ, who fulfills his purpose for our lives in a way greater than we could have ever comprehended. I’m really excited to see what My Beloved has planned for me next. I’m really excited that he has placed at Liberty this semester, a large group of Snowbird Staff. Let’s be honest, it is one of the biggest blessings ever.

I guess i don’t really know what it feels like to fall in love, but if Idid, then I could assure you that i’m over love, I am drowning in adoration for My Beloved, absolutely sinking. Not, that it means I am great, or perfect. I sometimes think that makes me more like an open wound. Susceptible to more pain because the more I get to know him, the more II see how absolutely unworthy I am of this love He has given me. BUT! He loves me is absolutely captivated by me. I know, it’s so great, i’m loving every minute of it. I love realizing how hard He is pursuing me, and getting to know him more intimately. The reason i’m telling you this isn’t for my own gain, but I just think it’s great how He does that with each one of us. God sees us in complete ruin, and reaches down and rescues us, brings us up and let’s us rest in Him. He pursues us even when we run away, still stretching out His hands to hold us and forgive us when we come back to him. Living He loved me, Dying He saved me, Buried He carried my sins far away, Rising He justified freely forever. Now He is coming! Oh Glorious Day!

Really, this is just lovely. I hope you feel the same way about Him that I do.

Oh, one of my absolute best friends Brittany Bingham got engaged. Yeah, it’s awesome. I’m so excited. Have I ever mentioned how much I love weddings.