True Rest.

"I'm restless until I rest in You, O God."

This song/quote is constantly stuck in my head, and i'm in love with the variations of it. It can never cease to apply to my life, examples:

"Our hearts are restless until they rest in thee"-St. Augustine

"Our hearts are LONELY until they rest in you O God"- Elisabeth Elliot

"I'm restless until I rest in You, O God."- Audrey Assad

I know this quote and I memorize it, hang it on my dorm room wall, write it on my hand, in my journal. It's everywhere, but I seemed to only remember it today after the fact. Ah, happens to the best of us…I guess, it keeps me humble.

I stand amazed at the Beauty of the Lord sometimes, even just in his gentle prodding to look back up at Him. Also, when I walk outside and it's blue skies and beautiful, and even more so on those cloudy fall days where the wind softly blows my hair and I look up to those red leaves falling to the ground. Those are the moments my heart is overflowing with giddy joy and love, because I know He loves me too. More than I can even comprehend, and no matter what my flesh thinks I need, all I NEED is Christ. To run after His calling, cling to His love; because it is better than life. Although, that is so difficult to comprehend at times. I know I am beautiful because of Christ, I know i'm loved by Christ, I know i'm enough in Christ, and I know that no matter what I do His plans and callings on my life are irrevocable. How can anyone compete with that? How could I desire more than that?

Here I am to say, i'm so excited to see what God will do with this 20th year of life, if I stay at this school, if i'm single, if I go to Africa, or if I start grad school. I know God's plans will amaze me, and He won't fail me.

Anyways, that's all I had to say.

Now, back to finishing my Counseling position statement, 10 more pages to go!

Someday Soon

I feel like my life hasn't changed at all since the last post. It's a waiting process.

You know when the leaves start to change and the smells of fall are fragrant, you know that a big change is coming. The weather is going to change, the colors will brighten before falling to the ground. Suddenly even though you've prepared for the changes, they still take you by surprise. You walk outside one morning and everything is red and yellow, and leaves flutter to the ground like snow. It's a glorious thing, something that I wait for all year.

We have to wait for everything, I feel like this very moment is how I feel on the inside. We have plans at 9, and we are just waiting. My heart is so full right now, and well it almost feels like a small rabbit is doing back flips inside of me. A feeling that I can't decide if it makes me want to laugh or throw up. Another story for another day.

I have to sensor my thoughts about what to write at this moment, because this isn't a diary, and even though there are things I want to say…I can't. But, there is a story I will say, although I am almost ashamed to say is me at times. I'm sure the story of Abraham and Sarah is well known, the angel came to tell them she would become pregnant and have a son; Sarah who was OLD, laughed at the angel. Because, no way she could get pregnant when she was almost old enough to be a great-grandmother; no way God would do that. Even though He promised this to them, it was impossible, right? Well, she thought so, then came Isaac.

I feel this way sometimes, I pray about specific situations, relationships, ministry opportunities, and then laugh because surely God wouldn't use me to do that, i've only been a prayer group leader, I….(fill in the blank with excuses I make) and God says, but i've promised this to you. I have this great plan for your life, TRUST me. Watch and see what I can do, WAIT on me and let me do this in MY timing; Not yours.

So, i'm rambling in this post, it's because i'm nervous about tonight. Okay, yes, i'm nervous, and it's not about Inception's ending.

I really like the story about Martha and Jesus after Lazarus' death. Martha is always remembered as the sister who was distracted with serving, while her sister sat and listened to Jesus' teaching. Martha was reprimanded by Jesus after she asked him to have Mary come help her; because her priorities weren't right. Well, in this next story she is in Jesus had known her brother was dying, but waited in a different city for 3 days before coming to see him; by this time Lazarus had already died. Instead of Martha being very upset and angry with Jesus for waiting to come she says to him "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give you."

Jesus tells her that her brother will rise again, Martha knows Jesus can do anything, yet she doesn't ask the obvious question, she instead assumes he means when he is taken to heaven. Martha simply trusts that God's plan is enough, even though Jesus could have come sooner and saved her brother. She ends the conversation by saying "Yes Lord; I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, who is coming into the world". She has no idea that Jesus planned on raising her brother from the dead after all. Martha simply trusted and waited in Christ and His plan exceeded her wildest expectations.

So, here I still sit, waiting on God. Holding on to His hand for dear life as He leads me. Even though it feels like i'm being lead me through the forest trails and my eyes are not yet adjusted to the dark. I know that once we get into an open part i'll be utterly amazed at the view….that it will be totally worth it. The unknown is just nerve-wracking, even if the Guide knows the perfect way and won't get lost. And someday soon i'll wake up and the leaves will be fluttering softly to the ground and i'll wonder when it happened so quickly. Someday Soon.

This song is stuck in my head: Someday Soon by Francesca Battistelli. :)

Just Wait.

Wait.

Just look at that word, it makes me a little nauseated... yet excited. But, at the moment nauseated, and I can't determine if that IBS or the fact that God is constantly saying: "Beloved, WAIT...stop trying to plan and dream, and imagine your future or tomorrow, just WAIT."

I decided a moment ago to look up every time the Bible uses the word "Wait", Bibledictionary.com gave me 132 results, but that was only in one version... and I know that there are probably more. I must though only remark on those because I don't have the time or energy to do an exhaustive search on the word. I did however use this handy dictionary to look up the meanings of the word. Here they are:

"to remain stationary in readiness or expectation

to pause for another to catch up

to look forward expectantly

to hold back expectantly"

A good majority of the times the Bible references the word wait, as far as I have noted, (so, all of you exhaustive word studiers I may not be perfectly correct) has the person, or group of people told to wait on the Lord's commands. Whether that be waiting on the Lord to tell them when to leave, when to fight, or in a personal struggle, He commands with full authority in knowing everything, and unfailing love at wanting the best for His people, that they should WAIT on His signal.

The funny thing is, when the people listened, God didn't fail them but brought them to victory, or like when Naomi told Ruth to wait on the Lord and let God work in Boaz she ended up marrying a godly man, because she gave up all she had to follow God, and then waited on His ultimate plan and provision for her life. She didn't enter the land knowing she would meet and marry Boaz, and she had to wait and see if he would step up and fight for her.

"Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage;wait for the LORD!"

"Our soul waits for the LORD;he is our help and our shield"

"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,for my hope is from him."

" I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,and in his word I hope;"

"wait for the LORD, and he will deliver you."

"Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you,and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.

For the LORD is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him."

"From of old no one has heard or perceived by the ear, no eye has seen a God besides you,who acts for those who wait for him"

"The LORD is good to those who wait for him,to the soul who seeks him"

Those are only a few verses that I really enjoyed from Psalms and Proverbs. I got really distracted from those verses to this point by roommates making dinner and a phone call...but, this is what God is teaching me, to WAIT on the Lord. Oh, and it's so hard...especially hard when I don't understand where God is leading me.

We can survive the wait together.

Rest

This is probably the reason for why I am so tired MWF classes, I stay up late blogging to an unseen world about what God is teaching me. I will just pretend this plays on some significance, somewhere.

Some days or weeks after a good period of calm it feels like everything comes to a screeching halt or the majority of things that seem important to me become overwhelming or fail me. It's in that moment I realize i've probably been idolizing them in my life. Well, the past two days were that way for me. Friendships broken, my heart hurt, lies believed, school work overwhelming, ministry seemed daunting, I felt like I was failing. It was so easy for me to finally break under the pressure. Exhausted. Not even a 5 hour nap could cure my sense of loss deep down in my heart. I was hurt. I had a strong disdain for my life. Why wasn't God…there?

Now, don't get me wrong, I knew He was there…I also knew I stopped pursuing him and started relying on the magnificent self. Fail.

You think I would learn. You think that after such a revelation in my life 2 months ago I wouldn't come back to this place. Oh, but how easy it is to rely on self for protection, for handling situations. Well, I fail without Christ. I fail at friendships because I don't love the way i'm supposed to. I fail at school because I am not wise or diligent without God. Life without God is bleak.

I read this blog last night that was…exactly what I needed to hear. I'm just going to copy exactly what I wrote down last night:

"I'mm finding who I am in you"

I am so overwhelmed right now, friends are upset with me, time management is a fail. I haven't really searched for God in weeks, i've tried to be high and mighty. So many people have started new godly relationships. I have so many emotions, not that I am not over joyed for them, I am! It is wonderful God has blessed them with that. But, is there something wrong with me? I have to give up my desires to follow God and His leading? How? I desire a godly husband to love and lead me…and I pray and wait for that…but, it seems as though there is not even a peace. My desires aren't taken away, or given to peace. I'm reading an article on Boundless.org called "Hating your life" it says: "He (God) was waiting for me to be willing to decrease so that He could increase. He was waiting for me to say (and believe) that I needed Him more than I needed my dreams to happen. He was waiting for me to know His grace is more than enough to not only heal my broken heart, but to fill it overflowing. He was waiting for me to realize that no check-marked box would make me feel as whole and fulfilled as picking up my cross and following Christ would. He was waiting for me to trust His strength is made perfect in my weakness"

I don't think that could have come at a better time. Do I know what God has planned for the rest of this semester? No. Next semester? The Summer? The Fall? no, I have no idea. But, I don't need to. If I follow God, He will lead me. As impractical as that sounds today. I can't set a list of what I want God to do in my life because that isn't trusting God, that's expecting God to follow MY plan. When has MY plan ever been a great idea? Never. God's plan is not my plan but it surpasses my wildest expectations, and He has proved Himself so far. So, I may not be in leadership next year, I may not travel the world this summer, I may not play in a river with hundreds of teens, I may not get married for 10 years…but is God not sufficient enough to meet my needs in whatever His plan is? Does He not see my heart, passions and desires and plan to meet them according to His will? I think He does. Actually, I know He does.

So, i'm human, I know, shocker. Friends out there who expect me to be perfect, i'm not. I'm sorry. I can't make everyone happy, I can't say the right things all the time, or read your mind. I can't fulfill the desires you have, that is not my purpose. I will never be what the world expects me to be, but that's not what i'm called to be. I'm called to be a woman of God fully pursuing a relationship with God…and let Him lead me and determine my value and worth. He is enough for me and I will not put my satisfaction in any other.

I love fall by the way, I think this is one of the ways God shows His love to me, by the changing of the leaves…the Lord is doing a new thing my friends!

There are so many things on my mind that I want to share, but I don't really know how to. How about I just give you the point-by-point Readers Digest version of my life right now:

1. My life is absolutely crazy right now, it's overwhelming, but I love it. Let me rephrase that so you better understand, I would absolutely hate it and feel as if I was dying if I didn't have someone holding me together, telling me how much He loves me, how great I am. I could not do this without Christ.

2. So many of my precious friends are dating/marrying their future spouses. It's really exciting to see how God brings people together. It also makes it better when you get to throw showers, and buy dresses and get manicures and stand and celebrate with your friend on her wedding day.

Ah, it's such a lovely thing, feeling loved enough to be a bridesmaid. Maybe that's a girl thing?

3. It's raining, and chilly outside. I LOVE it. Almost time to break out the pea coat and boots. Oh, that reminds me of my need for super glue! Anyone have some?

4. God has been putting different situations in front of me to see if I live out what I speak. It's rough, but really awesome to realize how much I CANNOT do on my own. I'm so unable to do this without Him.

5. I love graphic design. LOVE it. SO glad that it's my major

6. I'm going to Honduras this summer I think, or working at camp, or spending a month overseas with Xtreme Impact. Okay, I don't know exactly what i'm going to be doing, but it's going to be awesome wherever God leads me.

Quotes for the day:

"Our Hearts are RESTLESS

Until they REST in thee O God"

"One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek:

that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,

to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple"

"Atoning sacrifice

Keeper of this life

Hallelujah You are savior

Beginning and the end

Forgiver of my sin

By Your mercy You have saved us

Jesus You are stronger

More than any other

Hallelujah what a savior

Jesus You are higher

My soul´s deepest desire

Hallelujah you are savior

You are the shepherd king

You lead us by still waters

Hallelujah You are savior

You are my only hope

Your kindness is my friend

In Your presence You restore us

You are the way the truth and the life

You are my joy and salvation

Stood in my place taking my shame

Upon your shoulder"

And that is how I leave this post my friends, with one of my favorite songs of the moment.

New Seasons

This picture describes how I feel. Peaceful.

Okay, i'm over the panic that ensued yesterday. Panic might be an exaggeration, but i'm good now.

So, I love school. I really do, I love my hall, and all of my classes…even having projects due every day. EVERY day. I love it. I have good roommates and girls on my hall, even if some ditch you for a guy…they are still great. Really, really great. But, this week marks the 2 year anniversary of doing Old School! I cannot believe it, I feel old, 3 years since I graduated high school? Two years since I spent a semester in the woods? A year since I transferred to school in VA? It is so crazy how time has flown by. The Lord has changed me so much since that time, SO much. It's actually shocking. I'm definitely not who I used to be, and i'm so thankful for that…and I can't wait to see how He will grow me this year…and where i'll be in two years, because I have no idea. Sometimes it's easy to dwell on those sweet moments with God from the past, but there will be more. I feel like this semester and year hold something bigger than I can imagine. Or maybe want to imagine at this moment because it seems to good to be true. Point of this being, the moments i've had up until this moment right now, just with God and I have been the sweetest. He's into romancing me. It's just breathtaking. God of the Universe, THE GOD, romances me. Little me. What more could I want? What more could satisfy than this? Ah, I love adventures and His are the best.

FALL IS COMING! A new season is starting, a new adventure.

I've been thinking a lot recently about missions. Really camp got me started thinking about it more intensely, but then I came back to school and I realized how much God has laid that on my heart, even if only for a season or short term.

Although, there is one continent that is specifically laid on my heart, Africa. Kenya, Uganda, some place. I really think about it so much, not in a "leap for joy" way, but, i'm going there someday. God keeps bringing this chapter back to my mind, Isaiah 61. I read it during Beth Moore Bible study this past semester, during my Captivating Bible study this summer; and now so often in my quiet time or at Church.

"The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me

to bring good news to the poor, He has sent me to bind up the

Brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the

opening of the prisons to those who are bound…to grant those

who mourn beauty for ashes, a garment of praise instead of

a faint spirit…they shall build up ancient ruins; they shall

raise up the former devastation's; they shall repair the

ruined cities, the devastation of many generations."

I love this. I am in love with this, but seriously, beyond any pre conceived notion that comes to your mind when people say this i'm so in love with God, He is so good and faithful to me. I know that hard times come, and this season is hard and fruitful all in one. Constantly I am having to be broken and reminded that i'm given this ministry of being a small group leader on my hall by the mercy of God. Constantly having to renounce old things, or old lies that i've believed; that satan likes to bring back to my mind. It's such a blessing to see how God works in the lives of others. It reminds me of how little I have to do with things like this. Definitely humbling, and challenging.

Well, this entry feels like a diary. Oops. But seriously, i'm so excited about the new season God is bringing in my life; even if somedays it's not exactly as I would plan…it always ends up better. I'm so blessed, and in love. Which, contrary to popular belief (at least here) is possible without a boyfriend.

"Put away old winds, the Lord is doing a new thing!"

Apparently my roommate has informed me that i'm structured. We've been discussing the pro's and con's of this. It really seems like quite an unfortunate issue to have, if you only saw my planner! Really, I think it's a case of forgetfulness, if I don't write down when I need to be somewhere or what needs to be done by a certain day, it won't ever get accomplished.

Oh gracious. Structure? S T R U C T U R E. It just sounds like a sentence, like a 45 year old mother with 5 children.

Is this bad? Maybe I should psychoanalyze myself?

No, I feel like i'm the balance. Maybe?