New Beginnings

Some pictures to show you a little bit about break

I spoiled the dog, really bad. He just, ah he looks at you with those eyes, and you have to give him treats. It's bad, good thing he's not my child.

Our Christmas Tree has so many ornaments, seriously, i'm pretty sure we didn't even put them all out. AND we still have one in the front room, and my brother and I's bedroom. We just love Christmas.

PASSION 2011. This picture is from the GO-Center, I thought it could sum up the whole experience in itself. Just imagine a large room filled with thousands of college students giving money to those in need. It gives me chills.

PASSION!

Before we went to camp for the party and wedding, we got snowed in and what better thing to do than snowboard?

Those were the pictures from break, and here are the thoughts...

I find it kind of funny in an ironic way that when I have the most free time I end up not blogging. Yet when I am the most swamped with things I should be doing I am on here writing about what is going on in my life.

Maybe that is more idiotic than ironic, as far as grades and priorities are concerned.

Tomorrow I leave my lovely home in the "warm" state without snow, and venture back to school with a pit stop in Durham, NC for the night.

It would by lying to tell you that i'm excited to go back, and it's not because I don't love my school or because I don't have good friends, because I do have some GREAT friends there. It's just, home is sweet, and a joy to be at. Home is comfort, and home is where people not just in my family, but Church family as well, have seen me and know me for who I am and see who I can be.

For a long time I thought if I just got away from all of this "being at home" stuff, that my life would really start, and everything would change, people would fall in love with me because I was ME, and not because I was so-and-so's daughter/sister/niece/friend. And although people do know me at school and camp without those labels and it's a blessing; I do miss being able to say "I'm Lindsey, you know ______'s ______" and have people go "Oh yes! I have heard about you" or "My, how you have grown up, tell me what is going on in your life".

I wish I could tell you all of the great goodness that has gone on in my life this past month on break. I was in one of my best friends weddings, I got to spend time at camp, I went to PASSION (and that in itself should have it's own post), and I got to hang out with people I haven't seen in a few months. I got to visit the youth group, and pop into different small groups and see how my favorite middle school and high school girls were doing. I had the chance to eat the weekly Sunday lunch with my "second family". I got to just relax and be with people who love me unconditionally, and that is a true blessing.

Something that I love is when you get to be around people who are vulnerable with you. Let me explain, I think in a friendship and a community of believers it is important to be able to be honest and open with each other. To sit with tears and through the brokenness of your heart be able to say "I'm struggling with this, and to be honest, I don't know what to do" and not worry about them thinking "no way, I can't believe that, well she isn't as strong as I thought she was" but coming along side of you and saying "I absolutely understand your pain, let me pray with you". I miss that. I have godly friends at school, but sometimes you need more than your peers, but older adults. Which is a little hard to find at a college with the majority of people in their early 20's. But, the Lord is faithful.

The biggest thing I can take away from this break is that for this past semester my identity was so found in ministry, and going higher up in ministry to girls on my hall. It's a great thing, but not when I am putting in my answer for God and not truly taking time to seek His. It took things changing suddenly and really unexpectedly so that it would be impossible for me to even apply for that ministry; for me to see that it wasn't what God had planned for me. Then, I stood at Passion and worshipped the Lord Jesus with 23,000 college students and heard incredible men and women of God say that it didn't matter your age God could use you to change the world. CHANGE THE WORLD. That's not a small thing, and it couldn't be done alone, but only through and for the name of Jesus Christ and His precious gospel.

So long I have tried to do this alone, and be a great woman of God, but I was missing something, I was missing my saving grace, the only One who could provide for my desires.

I know what God will do in my life will exceed my wildest imaginations, and it will be astonishing because it won't be anything I can do on my own apart from Him. I know satan will hate it, and I know that there will be a battle, but I also know, and was reminded of the team that stands behind me, the ones fighting along side of me for the same goal. To glorify the name of Jesus.

Jesus, On my knees, here I fall, in spite of it all

Hallelujah

And though it seems hard, I still trust in your love

Hallelujah

I have fallen so far, flat on my face

I’m in need of your grace today

Hallelujah

Sing hallelujah, amen

I guess it doesn't matter how I feel about going back to school, and living in my dorm room, and taking, dare I say the awful word, MATH. It doesn't really matter because that's what God has called me to do; and God, He never lets what He is doing in your life go uncompleted.

Holding Pattern

This is the common theme for me these days, talking about waiting and such. Something clicked in my head tonight, well, a few things. It's a miracle I tell you, this time in the semester I feel more brain dead than intuitive.

College is the biggest waiting game I think i've ever experienced. I was waiting to get into college, waiting to get moved in to college life, waiting to see what my major would actually be. In college you're waiting to finish a semester, waiting to graduate, waiting to see if your GPA is high enough for an honors club or graduate school. You wait to see if the man you will marry will suddenly leave flowers on your windowsill, you wait to see if you will even get married. You wait to see if you will get a job, who you are, what you'll end up doing, what leadership team you'll be on…ect. College is made up of waiting, and it drives me (and everyone I know) CRAZY.

So in the midst of my waiting game, or holding pattern, whatever would be more appropriate; and in the middle of my brain melting from stress, exhaustion, and just end-of-semester everything I finally found something that God used to speak to me. It has been so long since i've had the slightest feeling of anything deep in my soul (and by so long, I mean, I am so exhausted I just can't FEEL anything). So I read about waiting, and then they compared our season's of waiting with David (from the Bible).

David spent years shepherding sheep. YEARS. Hours a day slinging rocks at predators, doing the same thing thousands of other teen boys were doing. But those humdrum times were critical in God's economy. It was there where David began learning of God and gaining revelation of Him unmatched in that day. It was there where David's heart became one after God's own. It was there where David learned to be still, and know that God is God. It's kind of funny that we can look back and see how it was a time of preparation for David, I mean, he wouldn't have killed Goliath without them, he wouldn't be "a man after God's own heart" and a King if he hadn't learned to listen to God in those silent times in the field.

This was my favorite part of that blog:

"What feels like your dead-end right now could be the most critical season for what lies ahead. Now is the time for you to touch eternity. Get to know the One you desire to serve. Let your roots grow down deep so that your ministry flows from intimacy. Turn this season of apparent waiting into one of embracing Him who calls and equips.

“Whoever can be trusted with very little,” Jesus said, “can be trusted with much.” This job and season might seem little to you — as little as slinging a rock seemed to David. But that rock-slinging wasn't little to God. It was absolutely essential on multiple levels.

Being still and waiting might not be the favorites of present-day society, but they are still critical priorities in the Kingdom of God. This time in your life is fertile ground for God to shape Christ-like character, growing roots that have the strength to hold a tree and the fruit it bears. It may be that the only way you could waste it is by wishing it away."

I think that sums it up perfectly.

And now, look what I have to rest in. This is a season, and someday I won't be able to spur-of-the-moment pack up my laptop, Bible and various books and head off campus to Barnes and Noble, grab my favorite coffee, and be ALONE. So, I will enjoy these moments before they are no longer here, even if I desire something else. I have to fall in love with Jesus here, in this time, because if He isn't enough when He is all I have, then He won't be enough when I have everything I desire.

Yes, joy, hope, and love to others even when I look around and realize just about every table is full of couples, I will be with couples next weekend, I will be in a wedding, and then go home to celebrate a marriage that just happened with my friends. Yes, and answer the dreaded question: "So, are there any guys in your life right now?". I can serve God fully without a relationship, or whatever the world tells me I "must have" to be successful. There, pep talk.

Now, I must go take my first final.

Rings, flings, and other things

Okay, there really isn't a "fling" it just rhymed.

They say Spring is the time when the most relationships start, I say, FALSE! Fall is in fact the time for budding relationships to blossom…or shrivel up like the dying leaves. Good analogy? I believe it's safe to say that I have 20 friends, not couples, friends who have started serious relationships/gotten married/engaged since the summer, but mainly fall. Crazy, right?

I guess I am saying that i'm fine being here, but it's exciting to see everyone else start a new chapter of life; and experience that with them.

I can't believe this is the last week of classes before finals and break. The semester went by so fast and I have so much to do! Applications to turn in this week, projects to finish, tests to study for, weddings to be in, miles to drive home..you know. The normal…right?

I guess, as a young woman now, and as someone who has no idea what God is calling her to; it's easy for me to wonder what the rest of this winter will hold. Will it blossom into something beautiful and unexpected, or is it not yet time?

I guess it's something that..you're right, only time will tell. As I write this a girl just came in gushing about a date, exciting..and a chance to be envious..but ALAS! perfect timing. Perfect timing...

Church was really good today, i'm blessed to be apart of the community of believers I am in. He (one of the pastors) talked about Baptism, how it was so important to realize how much Christ has given for us; and what that means since we have been baptized. At the end of the sermon they played a video about changing the world. It sunk in, this is where I am now, and this is my time to do what God has called me to do; even if it's alone.

And in this I find my rest, and now I will find rest in the comfort of my bed as well…and hopefully I will wake up and it will be snowy outside again…or something like that :)

Bringing me to life

This is a time in my life where God is reinforcing so many things I believe, or tell my girls about, into daily life for me. As in, it's easy for me to believe something because I know it's Biblical truth and to tell girls who come and ask for advice on it…but, it's so much harder when I have to apply it to my life

Ah, so much easier said than done. As it always is.

"God is waiting for you to say and believe that I need Him more than I need my dreams to happen.

His grace is more than enough to not only heal a broken heart but fill it overflowing.

He is waiting for me to realize have that dreams on my list would not make me

feel more fulfilled than picking up my cross to follow Him."

I'm a woman, let's be real…I desire to be a wife and a mother. There BAM it's written. I know that the majority of women feel this way if they aren't married, especially if they are single and about to graduate and enter the real world…alone. It's terrifying to be honest. But, we can't anchor our identity in something smaller than Jesus. I know for myself it's something that has enslaved me. Who doesn't want to be loved and cherished and with a man of God who is leading you and serving in ministry alongside of you? I mean, it's something I feel that God has created me for.It's when I let that desire become so much stronger than anything else that it isn't good. I, as a woman of God, need to be immersed in the ministry and service He has called me to at THIS moment.

Our identity, security, purpose and meaning must be found in Christ, the One who has already chosen and accepted you.

There, i'm done ranting. So, things are stressful and don't always work out as hoped/planned/expected…but that doesn't mean that GOD is not BIG enough, STRONG enough, or WORTHY enough.

Because Jesus has won I am free to fail,

because Jesus is strong I am free to be weak,

because Jesus is someone, I am free to be no one.

"Oh God, let your grace illuminate the heart in me, you're brining me to life,

and i'm finding who I am in you. You're changing me inside

and i'm finding who I am in you, who I am in you."

I'm home, it's a glorious thing, it reminds me of how much I am loved, it reminds me who I was and who the Lord is creating me to be now. I get to see real life modeled by godly men and women..you know, outside of the college bubble; and I get to fellowship with people who have seen me growing up, seen where I have come from and understand that and encourage me to press on to where I am supposed to be.

Sometimes, I am so consistently battered by some things, that it's almost nice when it all comes crashing down, it's a painful relief. I know, that sounds contradictory, but sometimes it's just so good to finally have at least a moment of clarity, or I guess, maybe it would just be a break from those situations. Vague, right? Well, I really like this quote:

"FEARLESS is not the absence of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you've been hurt before. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again.. even though every time you've tried before you have lost. It's FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to some one who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them. I think its FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he's in love with some one else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they'll never stop doing, I think it's FEARLESS to stop believing them. It's FEARLESS to say "you're NOT sorry" and walk away. I think loving some one despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright... That's FEARLESS too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. Because love is FEARLESS." -Taylor Swift I guess, I know what I feel God has called me to, and I just need to run in that direction with all that I have and know that His plan will include things I don't expect. But, we can't put ideas in God's mouth, because that isn't even logical. "God, I trust you, and I think you really want ___________ for my life, thank you.." Ridiculous. So, I will run forward and pray, and know that someday…just, someday.

True Rest.

"I'm restless until I rest in You, O God."

This song/quote is constantly stuck in my head, and i'm in love with the variations of it. It can never cease to apply to my life, examples:

"Our hearts are restless until they rest in thee"-St. Augustine

"Our hearts are LONELY until they rest in you O God"- Elisabeth Elliot

"I'm restless until I rest in You, O God."- Audrey Assad

I know this quote and I memorize it, hang it on my dorm room wall, write it on my hand, in my journal. It's everywhere, but I seemed to only remember it today after the fact. Ah, happens to the best of us…I guess, it keeps me humble.

I stand amazed at the Beauty of the Lord sometimes, even just in his gentle prodding to look back up at Him. Also, when I walk outside and it's blue skies and beautiful, and even more so on those cloudy fall days where the wind softly blows my hair and I look up to those red leaves falling to the ground. Those are the moments my heart is overflowing with giddy joy and love, because I know He loves me too. More than I can even comprehend, and no matter what my flesh thinks I need, all I NEED is Christ. To run after His calling, cling to His love; because it is better than life. Although, that is so difficult to comprehend at times. I know I am beautiful because of Christ, I know i'm loved by Christ, I know i'm enough in Christ, and I know that no matter what I do His plans and callings on my life are irrevocable. How can anyone compete with that? How could I desire more than that?

Here I am to say, i'm so excited to see what God will do with this 20th year of life, if I stay at this school, if i'm single, if I go to Africa, or if I start grad school. I know God's plans will amaze me, and He won't fail me.

Anyways, that's all I had to say.

Now, back to finishing my Counseling position statement, 10 more pages to go!

Someday Soon

I feel like my life hasn't changed at all since the last post. It's a waiting process.

You know when the leaves start to change and the smells of fall are fragrant, you know that a big change is coming. The weather is going to change, the colors will brighten before falling to the ground. Suddenly even though you've prepared for the changes, they still take you by surprise. You walk outside one morning and everything is red and yellow, and leaves flutter to the ground like snow. It's a glorious thing, something that I wait for all year.

We have to wait for everything, I feel like this very moment is how I feel on the inside. We have plans at 9, and we are just waiting. My heart is so full right now, and well it almost feels like a small rabbit is doing back flips inside of me. A feeling that I can't decide if it makes me want to laugh or throw up. Another story for another day.

I have to sensor my thoughts about what to write at this moment, because this isn't a diary, and even though there are things I want to say…I can't. But, there is a story I will say, although I am almost ashamed to say is me at times. I'm sure the story of Abraham and Sarah is well known, the angel came to tell them she would become pregnant and have a son; Sarah who was OLD, laughed at the angel. Because, no way she could get pregnant when she was almost old enough to be a great-grandmother; no way God would do that. Even though He promised this to them, it was impossible, right? Well, she thought so, then came Isaac.

I feel this way sometimes, I pray about specific situations, relationships, ministry opportunities, and then laugh because surely God wouldn't use me to do that, i've only been a prayer group leader, I….(fill in the blank with excuses I make) and God says, but i've promised this to you. I have this great plan for your life, TRUST me. Watch and see what I can do, WAIT on me and let me do this in MY timing; Not yours.

So, i'm rambling in this post, it's because i'm nervous about tonight. Okay, yes, i'm nervous, and it's not about Inception's ending.

I really like the story about Martha and Jesus after Lazarus' death. Martha is always remembered as the sister who was distracted with serving, while her sister sat and listened to Jesus' teaching. Martha was reprimanded by Jesus after she asked him to have Mary come help her; because her priorities weren't right. Well, in this next story she is in Jesus had known her brother was dying, but waited in a different city for 3 days before coming to see him; by this time Lazarus had already died. Instead of Martha being very upset and angry with Jesus for waiting to come she says to him "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give you."

Jesus tells her that her brother will rise again, Martha knows Jesus can do anything, yet she doesn't ask the obvious question, she instead assumes he means when he is taken to heaven. Martha simply trusts that God's plan is enough, even though Jesus could have come sooner and saved her brother. She ends the conversation by saying "Yes Lord; I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, who is coming into the world". She has no idea that Jesus planned on raising her brother from the dead after all. Martha simply trusted and waited in Christ and His plan exceeded her wildest expectations.

So, here I still sit, waiting on God. Holding on to His hand for dear life as He leads me. Even though it feels like i'm being lead me through the forest trails and my eyes are not yet adjusted to the dark. I know that once we get into an open part i'll be utterly amazed at the view….that it will be totally worth it. The unknown is just nerve-wracking, even if the Guide knows the perfect way and won't get lost. And someday soon i'll wake up and the leaves will be fluttering softly to the ground and i'll wonder when it happened so quickly. Someday Soon.

This song is stuck in my head: Someday Soon by Francesca Battistelli. :)