The Name

I put a super long post to my twitter, i'm cheating on my blog.

I'm sorry. No one likes a cheater.

Long Easter weekend! Chelsea is coming with me to stay with my family, if she only knew what she was getting herself into :P

I just wanted to write a short little thing, because that's how I do…I think that would have worked out better if you could have heard me say it, that doesn't sound gansta at all. Anyways,

I have a problem, good are bad, I don't think I care anyone else's opinion. Only because…well, i'm not sure, but my blog post so let me continue. I have huge desires for my life, some may think that's good and some may think the underlying selfishness in the fact that they are MY plans is bad. I am in the middle.

What I mean is, there are things I have wanted to do for years. Such as, get married, my mother always told me that i've been dreaming of being married since I was like 5. That's a long time and I think that's one of those desires that is from God, I mean, it's obviously a consistent desire…I digress. I want to do something BIG for God, I don't know exactly other than I would love to work for a large Christian organization. Not because that would make me a better Christian, but because I want to be a part of something bigger than myself. I would love to work with teens/college students…you know, because I am so much older and wiser :P, really just because these years are hard. Anyways, you get the picture, I have dreams.

I think the biggest problem in my life is fear. I'm going to put some Websters in this joint, these are the many definitions of fear, I dare you to find yourself in it.

"an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat : drivers are threatening to quit their jobs in fear after a cabby's murder | fear of increasing unemployment | he is prey toirrational fears.• archaic a mixed feeling of dread and reverence : the love and fear of God.• ( fear for) a feeling of anxiety concerning the outcome of something or the safety and well-being of someone :police launched a search for the family amid fears for their safety.• the likelihood of something unwelcome happening : she could observe the other guests without too much fear of attracting attention.verb [ trans. ]be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening : he said he didn't care about life so why should he fear death? | [with clause ] farmers fear that they will lose business.• [ intrans. ] ( fear for) feel anxiety or apprehension on behalf of : I fear for the city with this madman let loose in it.• [with infinitive ] avoid or put off doing something because one is afraid : they aim to make war so horrific that potential aggressors will fear to resort to it.• used to express regret or apology :"
Yep, there are a few of those I could probably fit into at least once a week. There is something i'm learning, well, in the slow process of learning. It's more like, well like when you have a canker sore and you have to put that nasty tasting numbing gel on it. The pain, ah, you could punch someone because you are touching a tender sore in your mouth, then the taste gets on your tongue and so you are now not only in pain but ingesting a awful tasting concoction. Really, it seems like the farthest from sane things for that first second, you think "Why? Why would I do this!!" then another second passes and your sore and mouth suddenly fill with a tingly sensation. The pain is temporarily gone and the medicine is healing the sore so it won't continue to remain in your mouth for much longer. That's the process of sanctification i'm in. Sometimes I feel the tingling, but then I take a drink of water to wash out the bitter taste, and the sore, which didn't have time to get nourished by the medicine is back and radiating pain once more.
I sometimes wonder who else feels this way, because I know that I am not alone in my doubts, and worries, fears, and bouts of sadness. I think we have those seasons sometimes, where it's just painful, you know there is joy but for the moment it is sadness that is overcoming. I'm so thankful that we have Christ, no matter how we FEEL, i've been learning how important having faith is. No matter what season it is, we have a reason to praise, Jesus Christ is our Savior, Beloved, and Lord.
I'm thankful that even though fear and doubt, and all of those other emotions that make up those sore's in our life come, even though there are things that hurt us deeply. I'm thankful that we have a God who is a giver, He gives us strength, grace, salvation, love, hope…the list could go on. We have a GREAT High Priest.
So thankful that Jesus came as a man to this earth, in the midst of our depravity and seeing us for who we really are, and died a death he didn't deserve to shed his precious blood as an atonement for my sins. For the sins of the whole world. How unworthy we are and how absolutely worthy He is.

Halfway There!

I think i've started writing a few times and I have never finished. This time I have to admit, I was right, that doesn't always happen…but, this time it's true. I had no idea what this semester would be like, and oh buddy…it's been a big one.

There have been a lot of hard times, and some really precious good ones.

God has answered some of the things I was praying about, and that was neat, and actually a lot more painful than I thought it would be. Sometimes blessings come in the form of a wound being made…and then finally, a scab forms and starts the process of healing. So, that specific situation i'm talking about, has actually been so good for me. I feel like now i'm being able to be free in some areas. I know, really vague, but if anyone would read it…it would be this one as I explain a personal situation. So, i'll pass on the drama :)

The most precious gift was given to my friends Katie and Ian this month, a little baby boy named Noah David. Oh, that little sucker just captured my heart from the first time I heard his heart beat at her doctor appointment. I have never had a good friend have a baby before, so I just have never really felt this way before…oh, and when I got to hold him in my arms for the first time. Oh, yes, I fell in love. I can't even imagine what it would be like to have him all the time, although, I can wait to find out; I really do enjoy sleeping through the night.

I would say that God's plans are just absolutely unknown to me at the moment, I guess some of them will be made known tomorrow when I find out if i'm going to be on leadership again or not. I'm not really nervous about it, I just don't know what to expect, but I am praying that if God has something bigger and better for me to be involved in that He would close this door. I am learning that even though you are involved in something good, it doesn't mean that you are missing out on something GREAT that God would be using you for. I would rather be doing something great for the Lord than just something that looks good to other people. I have to give credit to Brentwood for teaching me this though, man, I love my Church!

This season has probably been one of the hardest in the sense that I know the Lord is doing something big, and so does satan. It seems that with every good thing something hard comes in the breath right after. So, it's more like I scored a goal in soccer and then someone rams me with an elbow in the stomach. Not that it's a bad thing, I know that the Lord is beside me and He is sufficient enough to prevail and do a mighty work here and in my life. I know we'll win the game, I just don't know the next play yet…and I think i'm okay with it…or i'm learning to be.

Whew, i'm writing a ton today, but it's been over a month since i've written; you should know what's going on in my life :)

Can you believe that I graduate next spring? It may seem like no big deal, or if it's one of your first years in college it may seem ideal. False, don't believe that, it's probably the scariest thing that I can think of right now! I don't even like to imagine it, sometimes I even get a little jealous that other people still have a few more years to go. Not because I love class, or homework, but because it's like a safety net. Once you graduate…well, exactly, I don't even know what comes next. I know it will be a brand new season, and it might be the best season ever….but, i'll only be 21. That seems so young…and the fact that I literally have NO idea what I want to do…and I only have a year to figure it out…a little bit of pressure. Man, i've got to go put on some big girl pants and get over it.

All in all, the semester has been one heck of a growing time, I know that I will come out stronger because the Lord is not going to fail me. It's just constantly knowing that He is really in control and being reminded of it every day (and sometimes every moment) instead of just when i'm freaking out. Ah,

"The Lord is gracious to all, He will never permit the righteous to me moved"

I really like Romans 12, if it's not perfect, just take it as a Lindsey paraphrase because I don't know where my Bible is, and if I deviate from this page i'll end up on facebook and late to class…

"I beseech you therefore brothers, by the mercies of God to present your bodies as a living sacrifice holy and acceptable to God which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world but be ye transformed, by the renewing of your minds that you may prove that which is the good, acceptable and perfect will of God…for we are one in the body of Christ…Let love be genuine, abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal; be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality."

Last few things that have been happening as of late:

I had the privilege of celebrating my dear friend Casey's 21st birthday at a really adorable frozen yogurt place in Lynchburg. It was wonderful, I kept telling her we were doing different things so she would have no idea that 12 of her friends were waiting to surprise her. I just love my friends, i'm so thankful for them.

I'm so thankful for (and i'm running out of time, so i'm just listing them) Casey, Amber, Kourtney, Chelsea, Kaytee, Danielle, Megan, and my other dear friends at school. I really am so blessed to have godly friends who really care about pursuing the Lord. It really is a treasure to have friends that desire the same things that you do, and not about having a boyfriend, or materialistic things. Not that we don't desire those, but I know that they are desiring to grow closer to the Lord first. It's a really big blessing.

Last, this is my favorite thing that has happened today…after sheetz being boycotted by Chelsea for their lack of a coke icee and being forced to go to Chickfila so she could have a chicken biscuit to learn that the "number 1's" we ordered were actually lunch items; I went to barnes and noble and got Beth Moore's "David" study and a soy caramel macchiato. I know, thrilling!! I'm actually really excited. I'm telling you guys, the Lord is going to do something good, probably not what I am expecting, but even still, something good.

I hope you are filled with the joy of the Lord today.

New Beginnings

Some pictures to show you a little bit about break

I spoiled the dog, really bad. He just, ah he looks at you with those eyes, and you have to give him treats. It's bad, good thing he's not my child.

Our Christmas Tree has so many ornaments, seriously, i'm pretty sure we didn't even put them all out. AND we still have one in the front room, and my brother and I's bedroom. We just love Christmas.

PASSION 2011. This picture is from the GO-Center, I thought it could sum up the whole experience in itself. Just imagine a large room filled with thousands of college students giving money to those in need. It gives me chills.

PASSION!

Before we went to camp for the party and wedding, we got snowed in and what better thing to do than snowboard?

Those were the pictures from break, and here are the thoughts...

I find it kind of funny in an ironic way that when I have the most free time I end up not blogging. Yet when I am the most swamped with things I should be doing I am on here writing about what is going on in my life.

Maybe that is more idiotic than ironic, as far as grades and priorities are concerned.

Tomorrow I leave my lovely home in the "warm" state without snow, and venture back to school with a pit stop in Durham, NC for the night.

It would by lying to tell you that i'm excited to go back, and it's not because I don't love my school or because I don't have good friends, because I do have some GREAT friends there. It's just, home is sweet, and a joy to be at. Home is comfort, and home is where people not just in my family, but Church family as well, have seen me and know me for who I am and see who I can be.

For a long time I thought if I just got away from all of this "being at home" stuff, that my life would really start, and everything would change, people would fall in love with me because I was ME, and not because I was so-and-so's daughter/sister/niece/friend. And although people do know me at school and camp without those labels and it's a blessing; I do miss being able to say "I'm Lindsey, you know ______'s ______" and have people go "Oh yes! I have heard about you" or "My, how you have grown up, tell me what is going on in your life".

I wish I could tell you all of the great goodness that has gone on in my life this past month on break. I was in one of my best friends weddings, I got to spend time at camp, I went to PASSION (and that in itself should have it's own post), and I got to hang out with people I haven't seen in a few months. I got to visit the youth group, and pop into different small groups and see how my favorite middle school and high school girls were doing. I had the chance to eat the weekly Sunday lunch with my "second family". I got to just relax and be with people who love me unconditionally, and that is a true blessing.

Something that I love is when you get to be around people who are vulnerable with you. Let me explain, I think in a friendship and a community of believers it is important to be able to be honest and open with each other. To sit with tears and through the brokenness of your heart be able to say "I'm struggling with this, and to be honest, I don't know what to do" and not worry about them thinking "no way, I can't believe that, well she isn't as strong as I thought she was" but coming along side of you and saying "I absolutely understand your pain, let me pray with you". I miss that. I have godly friends at school, but sometimes you need more than your peers, but older adults. Which is a little hard to find at a college with the majority of people in their early 20's. But, the Lord is faithful.

The biggest thing I can take away from this break is that for this past semester my identity was so found in ministry, and going higher up in ministry to girls on my hall. It's a great thing, but not when I am putting in my answer for God and not truly taking time to seek His. It took things changing suddenly and really unexpectedly so that it would be impossible for me to even apply for that ministry; for me to see that it wasn't what God had planned for me. Then, I stood at Passion and worshipped the Lord Jesus with 23,000 college students and heard incredible men and women of God say that it didn't matter your age God could use you to change the world. CHANGE THE WORLD. That's not a small thing, and it couldn't be done alone, but only through and for the name of Jesus Christ and His precious gospel.

So long I have tried to do this alone, and be a great woman of God, but I was missing something, I was missing my saving grace, the only One who could provide for my desires.

I know what God will do in my life will exceed my wildest imaginations, and it will be astonishing because it won't be anything I can do on my own apart from Him. I know satan will hate it, and I know that there will be a battle, but I also know, and was reminded of the team that stands behind me, the ones fighting along side of me for the same goal. To glorify the name of Jesus.

Jesus, On my knees, here I fall, in spite of it all

Hallelujah

And though it seems hard, I still trust in your love

Hallelujah

I have fallen so far, flat on my face

I’m in need of your grace today

Hallelujah

Sing hallelujah, amen

I guess it doesn't matter how I feel about going back to school, and living in my dorm room, and taking, dare I say the awful word, MATH. It doesn't really matter because that's what God has called me to do; and God, He never lets what He is doing in your life go uncompleted.

Holding Pattern

This is the common theme for me these days, talking about waiting and such. Something clicked in my head tonight, well, a few things. It's a miracle I tell you, this time in the semester I feel more brain dead than intuitive.

College is the biggest waiting game I think i've ever experienced. I was waiting to get into college, waiting to get moved in to college life, waiting to see what my major would actually be. In college you're waiting to finish a semester, waiting to graduate, waiting to see if your GPA is high enough for an honors club or graduate school. You wait to see if the man you will marry will suddenly leave flowers on your windowsill, you wait to see if you will even get married. You wait to see if you will get a job, who you are, what you'll end up doing, what leadership team you'll be on…ect. College is made up of waiting, and it drives me (and everyone I know) CRAZY.

So in the midst of my waiting game, or holding pattern, whatever would be more appropriate; and in the middle of my brain melting from stress, exhaustion, and just end-of-semester everything I finally found something that God used to speak to me. It has been so long since i've had the slightest feeling of anything deep in my soul (and by so long, I mean, I am so exhausted I just can't FEEL anything). So I read about waiting, and then they compared our season's of waiting with David (from the Bible).

David spent years shepherding sheep. YEARS. Hours a day slinging rocks at predators, doing the same thing thousands of other teen boys were doing. But those humdrum times were critical in God's economy. It was there where David began learning of God and gaining revelation of Him unmatched in that day. It was there where David's heart became one after God's own. It was there where David learned to be still, and know that God is God. It's kind of funny that we can look back and see how it was a time of preparation for David, I mean, he wouldn't have killed Goliath without them, he wouldn't be "a man after God's own heart" and a King if he hadn't learned to listen to God in those silent times in the field.

This was my favorite part of that blog:

"What feels like your dead-end right now could be the most critical season for what lies ahead. Now is the time for you to touch eternity. Get to know the One you desire to serve. Let your roots grow down deep so that your ministry flows from intimacy. Turn this season of apparent waiting into one of embracing Him who calls and equips.

“Whoever can be trusted with very little,” Jesus said, “can be trusted with much.” This job and season might seem little to you — as little as slinging a rock seemed to David. But that rock-slinging wasn't little to God. It was absolutely essential on multiple levels.

Being still and waiting might not be the favorites of present-day society, but they are still critical priorities in the Kingdom of God. This time in your life is fertile ground for God to shape Christ-like character, growing roots that have the strength to hold a tree and the fruit it bears. It may be that the only way you could waste it is by wishing it away."

I think that sums it up perfectly.

And now, look what I have to rest in. This is a season, and someday I won't be able to spur-of-the-moment pack up my laptop, Bible and various books and head off campus to Barnes and Noble, grab my favorite coffee, and be ALONE. So, I will enjoy these moments before they are no longer here, even if I desire something else. I have to fall in love with Jesus here, in this time, because if He isn't enough when He is all I have, then He won't be enough when I have everything I desire.

Yes, joy, hope, and love to others even when I look around and realize just about every table is full of couples, I will be with couples next weekend, I will be in a wedding, and then go home to celebrate a marriage that just happened with my friends. Yes, and answer the dreaded question: "So, are there any guys in your life right now?". I can serve God fully without a relationship, or whatever the world tells me I "must have" to be successful. There, pep talk.

Now, I must go take my first final.

Rings, flings, and other things

Okay, there really isn't a "fling" it just rhymed.

They say Spring is the time when the most relationships start, I say, FALSE! Fall is in fact the time for budding relationships to blossom…or shrivel up like the dying leaves. Good analogy? I believe it's safe to say that I have 20 friends, not couples, friends who have started serious relationships/gotten married/engaged since the summer, but mainly fall. Crazy, right?

I guess I am saying that i'm fine being here, but it's exciting to see everyone else start a new chapter of life; and experience that with them.

I can't believe this is the last week of classes before finals and break. The semester went by so fast and I have so much to do! Applications to turn in this week, projects to finish, tests to study for, weddings to be in, miles to drive home..you know. The normal…right?

I guess, as a young woman now, and as someone who has no idea what God is calling her to; it's easy for me to wonder what the rest of this winter will hold. Will it blossom into something beautiful and unexpected, or is it not yet time?

I guess it's something that..you're right, only time will tell. As I write this a girl just came in gushing about a date, exciting..and a chance to be envious..but ALAS! perfect timing. Perfect timing...

Church was really good today, i'm blessed to be apart of the community of believers I am in. He (one of the pastors) talked about Baptism, how it was so important to realize how much Christ has given for us; and what that means since we have been baptized. At the end of the sermon they played a video about changing the world. It sunk in, this is where I am now, and this is my time to do what God has called me to do; even if it's alone.

And in this I find my rest, and now I will find rest in the comfort of my bed as well…and hopefully I will wake up and it will be snowy outside again…or something like that :)

Bringing me to life

This is a time in my life where God is reinforcing so many things I believe, or tell my girls about, into daily life for me. As in, it's easy for me to believe something because I know it's Biblical truth and to tell girls who come and ask for advice on it…but, it's so much harder when I have to apply it to my life

Ah, so much easier said than done. As it always is.

"God is waiting for you to say and believe that I need Him more than I need my dreams to happen.

His grace is more than enough to not only heal a broken heart but fill it overflowing.

He is waiting for me to realize have that dreams on my list would not make me

feel more fulfilled than picking up my cross to follow Him."

I'm a woman, let's be real…I desire to be a wife and a mother. There BAM it's written. I know that the majority of women feel this way if they aren't married, especially if they are single and about to graduate and enter the real world…alone. It's terrifying to be honest. But, we can't anchor our identity in something smaller than Jesus. I know for myself it's something that has enslaved me. Who doesn't want to be loved and cherished and with a man of God who is leading you and serving in ministry alongside of you? I mean, it's something I feel that God has created me for.It's when I let that desire become so much stronger than anything else that it isn't good. I, as a woman of God, need to be immersed in the ministry and service He has called me to at THIS moment.

Our identity, security, purpose and meaning must be found in Christ, the One who has already chosen and accepted you.

There, i'm done ranting. So, things are stressful and don't always work out as hoped/planned/expected…but that doesn't mean that GOD is not BIG enough, STRONG enough, or WORTHY enough.

Because Jesus has won I am free to fail,

because Jesus is strong I am free to be weak,

because Jesus is someone, I am free to be no one.

"Oh God, let your grace illuminate the heart in me, you're brining me to life,

and i'm finding who I am in you. You're changing me inside

and i'm finding who I am in you, who I am in you."

I'm home, it's a glorious thing, it reminds me of how much I am loved, it reminds me who I was and who the Lord is creating me to be now. I get to see real life modeled by godly men and women..you know, outside of the college bubble; and I get to fellowship with people who have seen me growing up, seen where I have come from and understand that and encourage me to press on to where I am supposed to be.

Sometimes, I am so consistently battered by some things, that it's almost nice when it all comes crashing down, it's a painful relief. I know, that sounds contradictory, but sometimes it's just so good to finally have at least a moment of clarity, or I guess, maybe it would just be a break from those situations. Vague, right? Well, I really like this quote:

"FEARLESS is not the absence of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you've been hurt before. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again.. even though every time you've tried before you have lost. It's FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to some one who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them. I think its FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he's in love with some one else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they'll never stop doing, I think it's FEARLESS to stop believing them. It's FEARLESS to say "you're NOT sorry" and walk away. I think loving some one despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright... That's FEARLESS too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. Because love is FEARLESS." -Taylor Swift I guess, I know what I feel God has called me to, and I just need to run in that direction with all that I have and know that His plan will include things I don't expect. But, we can't put ideas in God's mouth, because that isn't even logical. "God, I trust you, and I think you really want ___________ for my life, thank you.." Ridiculous. So, I will run forward and pray, and know that someday…just, someday.

True Rest.

"I'm restless until I rest in You, O God."

This song/quote is constantly stuck in my head, and i'm in love with the variations of it. It can never cease to apply to my life, examples:

"Our hearts are restless until they rest in thee"-St. Augustine

"Our hearts are LONELY until they rest in you O God"- Elisabeth Elliot

"I'm restless until I rest in You, O God."- Audrey Assad

I know this quote and I memorize it, hang it on my dorm room wall, write it on my hand, in my journal. It's everywhere, but I seemed to only remember it today after the fact. Ah, happens to the best of us…I guess, it keeps me humble.

I stand amazed at the Beauty of the Lord sometimes, even just in his gentle prodding to look back up at Him. Also, when I walk outside and it's blue skies and beautiful, and even more so on those cloudy fall days where the wind softly blows my hair and I look up to those red leaves falling to the ground. Those are the moments my heart is overflowing with giddy joy and love, because I know He loves me too. More than I can even comprehend, and no matter what my flesh thinks I need, all I NEED is Christ. To run after His calling, cling to His love; because it is better than life. Although, that is so difficult to comprehend at times. I know I am beautiful because of Christ, I know i'm loved by Christ, I know i'm enough in Christ, and I know that no matter what I do His plans and callings on my life are irrevocable. How can anyone compete with that? How could I desire more than that?

Here I am to say, i'm so excited to see what God will do with this 20th year of life, if I stay at this school, if i'm single, if I go to Africa, or if I start grad school. I know God's plans will amaze me, and He won't fail me.

Anyways, that's all I had to say.

Now, back to finishing my Counseling position statement, 10 more pages to go!

Someday Soon

I feel like my life hasn't changed at all since the last post. It's a waiting process.

You know when the leaves start to change and the smells of fall are fragrant, you know that a big change is coming. The weather is going to change, the colors will brighten before falling to the ground. Suddenly even though you've prepared for the changes, they still take you by surprise. You walk outside one morning and everything is red and yellow, and leaves flutter to the ground like snow. It's a glorious thing, something that I wait for all year.

We have to wait for everything, I feel like this very moment is how I feel on the inside. We have plans at 9, and we are just waiting. My heart is so full right now, and well it almost feels like a small rabbit is doing back flips inside of me. A feeling that I can't decide if it makes me want to laugh or throw up. Another story for another day.

I have to sensor my thoughts about what to write at this moment, because this isn't a diary, and even though there are things I want to say…I can't. But, there is a story I will say, although I am almost ashamed to say is me at times. I'm sure the story of Abraham and Sarah is well known, the angel came to tell them she would become pregnant and have a son; Sarah who was OLD, laughed at the angel. Because, no way she could get pregnant when she was almost old enough to be a great-grandmother; no way God would do that. Even though He promised this to them, it was impossible, right? Well, she thought so, then came Isaac.

I feel this way sometimes, I pray about specific situations, relationships, ministry opportunities, and then laugh because surely God wouldn't use me to do that, i've only been a prayer group leader, I….(fill in the blank with excuses I make) and God says, but i've promised this to you. I have this great plan for your life, TRUST me. Watch and see what I can do, WAIT on me and let me do this in MY timing; Not yours.

So, i'm rambling in this post, it's because i'm nervous about tonight. Okay, yes, i'm nervous, and it's not about Inception's ending.

I really like the story about Martha and Jesus after Lazarus' death. Martha is always remembered as the sister who was distracted with serving, while her sister sat and listened to Jesus' teaching. Martha was reprimanded by Jesus after she asked him to have Mary come help her; because her priorities weren't right. Well, in this next story she is in Jesus had known her brother was dying, but waited in a different city for 3 days before coming to see him; by this time Lazarus had already died. Instead of Martha being very upset and angry with Jesus for waiting to come she says to him "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give you."

Jesus tells her that her brother will rise again, Martha knows Jesus can do anything, yet she doesn't ask the obvious question, she instead assumes he means when he is taken to heaven. Martha simply trusts that God's plan is enough, even though Jesus could have come sooner and saved her brother. She ends the conversation by saying "Yes Lord; I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, who is coming into the world". She has no idea that Jesus planned on raising her brother from the dead after all. Martha simply trusted and waited in Christ and His plan exceeded her wildest expectations.

So, here I still sit, waiting on God. Holding on to His hand for dear life as He leads me. Even though it feels like i'm being lead me through the forest trails and my eyes are not yet adjusted to the dark. I know that once we get into an open part i'll be utterly amazed at the view….that it will be totally worth it. The unknown is just nerve-wracking, even if the Guide knows the perfect way and won't get lost. And someday soon i'll wake up and the leaves will be fluttering softly to the ground and i'll wonder when it happened so quickly. Someday Soon.

This song is stuck in my head: Someday Soon by Francesca Battistelli. :)

Just Wait.

Wait.

Just look at that word, it makes me a little nauseated... yet excited. But, at the moment nauseated, and I can't determine if that IBS or the fact that God is constantly saying: "Beloved, WAIT...stop trying to plan and dream, and imagine your future or tomorrow, just WAIT."

I decided a moment ago to look up every time the Bible uses the word "Wait", Bibledictionary.com gave me 132 results, but that was only in one version... and I know that there are probably more. I must though only remark on those because I don't have the time or energy to do an exhaustive search on the word. I did however use this handy dictionary to look up the meanings of the word. Here they are:

"to remain stationary in readiness or expectation

to pause for another to catch up

to look forward expectantly

to hold back expectantly"

A good majority of the times the Bible references the word wait, as far as I have noted, (so, all of you exhaustive word studiers I may not be perfectly correct) has the person, or group of people told to wait on the Lord's commands. Whether that be waiting on the Lord to tell them when to leave, when to fight, or in a personal struggle, He commands with full authority in knowing everything, and unfailing love at wanting the best for His people, that they should WAIT on His signal.

The funny thing is, when the people listened, God didn't fail them but brought them to victory, or like when Naomi told Ruth to wait on the Lord and let God work in Boaz she ended up marrying a godly man, because she gave up all she had to follow God, and then waited on His ultimate plan and provision for her life. She didn't enter the land knowing she would meet and marry Boaz, and she had to wait and see if he would step up and fight for her.

"Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage;wait for the LORD!"

"Our soul waits for the LORD;he is our help and our shield"

"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,for my hope is from him."

" I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,and in his word I hope;"

"wait for the LORD, and he will deliver you."

"Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you,and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.

For the LORD is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him."

"From of old no one has heard or perceived by the ear, no eye has seen a God besides you,who acts for those who wait for him"

"The LORD is good to those who wait for him,to the soul who seeks him"

Those are only a few verses that I really enjoyed from Psalms and Proverbs. I got really distracted from those verses to this point by roommates making dinner and a phone call...but, this is what God is teaching me, to WAIT on the Lord. Oh, and it's so hard...especially hard when I don't understand where God is leading me.

We can survive the wait together.

Rest

This is probably the reason for why I am so tired MWF classes, I stay up late blogging to an unseen world about what God is teaching me. I will just pretend this plays on some significance, somewhere.

Some days or weeks after a good period of calm it feels like everything comes to a screeching halt or the majority of things that seem important to me become overwhelming or fail me. It's in that moment I realize i've probably been idolizing them in my life. Well, the past two days were that way for me. Friendships broken, my heart hurt, lies believed, school work overwhelming, ministry seemed daunting, I felt like I was failing. It was so easy for me to finally break under the pressure. Exhausted. Not even a 5 hour nap could cure my sense of loss deep down in my heart. I was hurt. I had a strong disdain for my life. Why wasn't God…there?

Now, don't get me wrong, I knew He was there…I also knew I stopped pursuing him and started relying on the magnificent self. Fail.

You think I would learn. You think that after such a revelation in my life 2 months ago I wouldn't come back to this place. Oh, but how easy it is to rely on self for protection, for handling situations. Well, I fail without Christ. I fail at friendships because I don't love the way i'm supposed to. I fail at school because I am not wise or diligent without God. Life without God is bleak.

I read this blog last night that was…exactly what I needed to hear. I'm just going to copy exactly what I wrote down last night:

"I'mm finding who I am in you"

I am so overwhelmed right now, friends are upset with me, time management is a fail. I haven't really searched for God in weeks, i've tried to be high and mighty. So many people have started new godly relationships. I have so many emotions, not that I am not over joyed for them, I am! It is wonderful God has blessed them with that. But, is there something wrong with me? I have to give up my desires to follow God and His leading? How? I desire a godly husband to love and lead me…and I pray and wait for that…but, it seems as though there is not even a peace. My desires aren't taken away, or given to peace. I'm reading an article on Boundless.org called "Hating your life" it says: "He (God) was waiting for me to be willing to decrease so that He could increase. He was waiting for me to say (and believe) that I needed Him more than I needed my dreams to happen. He was waiting for me to know His grace is more than enough to not only heal my broken heart, but to fill it overflowing. He was waiting for me to realize that no check-marked box would make me feel as whole and fulfilled as picking up my cross and following Christ would. He was waiting for me to trust His strength is made perfect in my weakness"

I don't think that could have come at a better time. Do I know what God has planned for the rest of this semester? No. Next semester? The Summer? The Fall? no, I have no idea. But, I don't need to. If I follow God, He will lead me. As impractical as that sounds today. I can't set a list of what I want God to do in my life because that isn't trusting God, that's expecting God to follow MY plan. When has MY plan ever been a great idea? Never. God's plan is not my plan but it surpasses my wildest expectations, and He has proved Himself so far. So, I may not be in leadership next year, I may not travel the world this summer, I may not play in a river with hundreds of teens, I may not get married for 10 years…but is God not sufficient enough to meet my needs in whatever His plan is? Does He not see my heart, passions and desires and plan to meet them according to His will? I think He does. Actually, I know He does.

So, i'm human, I know, shocker. Friends out there who expect me to be perfect, i'm not. I'm sorry. I can't make everyone happy, I can't say the right things all the time, or read your mind. I can't fulfill the desires you have, that is not my purpose. I will never be what the world expects me to be, but that's not what i'm called to be. I'm called to be a woman of God fully pursuing a relationship with God…and let Him lead me and determine my value and worth. He is enough for me and I will not put my satisfaction in any other.

I love fall by the way, I think this is one of the ways God shows His love to me, by the changing of the leaves…the Lord is doing a new thing my friends!

There are so many things on my mind that I want to share, but I don't really know how to. How about I just give you the point-by-point Readers Digest version of my life right now:

1. My life is absolutely crazy right now, it's overwhelming, but I love it. Let me rephrase that so you better understand, I would absolutely hate it and feel as if I was dying if I didn't have someone holding me together, telling me how much He loves me, how great I am. I could not do this without Christ.

2. So many of my precious friends are dating/marrying their future spouses. It's really exciting to see how God brings people together. It also makes it better when you get to throw showers, and buy dresses and get manicures and stand and celebrate with your friend on her wedding day.

Ah, it's such a lovely thing, feeling loved enough to be a bridesmaid. Maybe that's a girl thing?

3. It's raining, and chilly outside. I LOVE it. Almost time to break out the pea coat and boots. Oh, that reminds me of my need for super glue! Anyone have some?

4. God has been putting different situations in front of me to see if I live out what I speak. It's rough, but really awesome to realize how much I CANNOT do on my own. I'm so unable to do this without Him.

5. I love graphic design. LOVE it. SO glad that it's my major

6. I'm going to Honduras this summer I think, or working at camp, or spending a month overseas with Xtreme Impact. Okay, I don't know exactly what i'm going to be doing, but it's going to be awesome wherever God leads me.

Quotes for the day:

"Our Hearts are RESTLESS

Until they REST in thee O God"

"One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek:

that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,

to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple"

"Atoning sacrifice

Keeper of this life

Hallelujah You are savior

Beginning and the end

Forgiver of my sin

By Your mercy You have saved us

Jesus You are stronger

More than any other

Hallelujah what a savior

Jesus You are higher

My soul´s deepest desire

Hallelujah you are savior

You are the shepherd king

You lead us by still waters

Hallelujah You are savior

You are my only hope

Your kindness is my friend

In Your presence You restore us

You are the way the truth and the life

You are my joy and salvation

Stood in my place taking my shame

Upon your shoulder"

And that is how I leave this post my friends, with one of my favorite songs of the moment.