The Name

I put a super long post to my twitter, i'm cheating on my blog.

I'm sorry. No one likes a cheater.

Long Easter weekend! Chelsea is coming with me to stay with my family, if she only knew what she was getting herself into :P

I just wanted to write a short little thing, because that's how I do…I think that would have worked out better if you could have heard me say it, that doesn't sound gansta at all. Anyways,

I have a problem, good are bad, I don't think I care anyone else's opinion. Only because…well, i'm not sure, but my blog post so let me continue. I have huge desires for my life, some may think that's good and some may think the underlying selfishness in the fact that they are MY plans is bad. I am in the middle.

What I mean is, there are things I have wanted to do for years. Such as, get married, my mother always told me that i've been dreaming of being married since I was like 5. That's a long time and I think that's one of those desires that is from God, I mean, it's obviously a consistent desire…I digress. I want to do something BIG for God, I don't know exactly other than I would love to work for a large Christian organization. Not because that would make me a better Christian, but because I want to be a part of something bigger than myself. I would love to work with teens/college students…you know, because I am so much older and wiser :P, really just because these years are hard. Anyways, you get the picture, I have dreams.

I think the biggest problem in my life is fear. I'm going to put some Websters in this joint, these are the many definitions of fear, I dare you to find yourself in it.

"an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat : drivers are threatening to quit their jobs in fear after a cabby's murder | fear of increasing unemployment | he is prey toirrational fears.• archaic a mixed feeling of dread and reverence : the love and fear of God.• ( fear for) a feeling of anxiety concerning the outcome of something or the safety and well-being of someone :police launched a search for the family amid fears for their safety.• the likelihood of something unwelcome happening : she could observe the other guests without too much fear of attracting attention.verb [ trans. ]be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening : he said he didn't care about life so why should he fear death? | [with clause ] farmers fear that they will lose business.• [ intrans. ] ( fear for) feel anxiety or apprehension on behalf of : I fear for the city with this madman let loose in it.• [with infinitive ] avoid or put off doing something because one is afraid : they aim to make war so horrific that potential aggressors will fear to resort to it.• used to express regret or apology :"
Yep, there are a few of those I could probably fit into at least once a week. There is something i'm learning, well, in the slow process of learning. It's more like, well like when you have a canker sore and you have to put that nasty tasting numbing gel on it. The pain, ah, you could punch someone because you are touching a tender sore in your mouth, then the taste gets on your tongue and so you are now not only in pain but ingesting a awful tasting concoction. Really, it seems like the farthest from sane things for that first second, you think "Why? Why would I do this!!" then another second passes and your sore and mouth suddenly fill with a tingly sensation. The pain is temporarily gone and the medicine is healing the sore so it won't continue to remain in your mouth for much longer. That's the process of sanctification i'm in. Sometimes I feel the tingling, but then I take a drink of water to wash out the bitter taste, and the sore, which didn't have time to get nourished by the medicine is back and radiating pain once more.
I sometimes wonder who else feels this way, because I know that I am not alone in my doubts, and worries, fears, and bouts of sadness. I think we have those seasons sometimes, where it's just painful, you know there is joy but for the moment it is sadness that is overcoming. I'm so thankful that we have Christ, no matter how we FEEL, i've been learning how important having faith is. No matter what season it is, we have a reason to praise, Jesus Christ is our Savior, Beloved, and Lord.
I'm thankful that even though fear and doubt, and all of those other emotions that make up those sore's in our life come, even though there are things that hurt us deeply. I'm thankful that we have a God who is a giver, He gives us strength, grace, salvation, love, hope…the list could go on. We have a GREAT High Priest.
So thankful that Jesus came as a man to this earth, in the midst of our depravity and seeing us for who we really are, and died a death he didn't deserve to shed his precious blood as an atonement for my sins. For the sins of the whole world. How unworthy we are and how absolutely worthy He is.

Halfway There!

I think i've started writing a few times and I have never finished. This time I have to admit, I was right, that doesn't always happen…but, this time it's true. I had no idea what this semester would be like, and oh buddy…it's been a big one.

There have been a lot of hard times, and some really precious good ones.

God has answered some of the things I was praying about, and that was neat, and actually a lot more painful than I thought it would be. Sometimes blessings come in the form of a wound being made…and then finally, a scab forms and starts the process of healing. So, that specific situation i'm talking about, has actually been so good for me. I feel like now i'm being able to be free in some areas. I know, really vague, but if anyone would read it…it would be this one as I explain a personal situation. So, i'll pass on the drama :)

The most precious gift was given to my friends Katie and Ian this month, a little baby boy named Noah David. Oh, that little sucker just captured my heart from the first time I heard his heart beat at her doctor appointment. I have never had a good friend have a baby before, so I just have never really felt this way before…oh, and when I got to hold him in my arms for the first time. Oh, yes, I fell in love. I can't even imagine what it would be like to have him all the time, although, I can wait to find out; I really do enjoy sleeping through the night.

I would say that God's plans are just absolutely unknown to me at the moment, I guess some of them will be made known tomorrow when I find out if i'm going to be on leadership again or not. I'm not really nervous about it, I just don't know what to expect, but I am praying that if God has something bigger and better for me to be involved in that He would close this door. I am learning that even though you are involved in something good, it doesn't mean that you are missing out on something GREAT that God would be using you for. I would rather be doing something great for the Lord than just something that looks good to other people. I have to give credit to Brentwood for teaching me this though, man, I love my Church!

This season has probably been one of the hardest in the sense that I know the Lord is doing something big, and so does satan. It seems that with every good thing something hard comes in the breath right after. So, it's more like I scored a goal in soccer and then someone rams me with an elbow in the stomach. Not that it's a bad thing, I know that the Lord is beside me and He is sufficient enough to prevail and do a mighty work here and in my life. I know we'll win the game, I just don't know the next play yet…and I think i'm okay with it…or i'm learning to be.

Whew, i'm writing a ton today, but it's been over a month since i've written; you should know what's going on in my life :)

Can you believe that I graduate next spring? It may seem like no big deal, or if it's one of your first years in college it may seem ideal. False, don't believe that, it's probably the scariest thing that I can think of right now! I don't even like to imagine it, sometimes I even get a little jealous that other people still have a few more years to go. Not because I love class, or homework, but because it's like a safety net. Once you graduate…well, exactly, I don't even know what comes next. I know it will be a brand new season, and it might be the best season ever….but, i'll only be 21. That seems so young…and the fact that I literally have NO idea what I want to do…and I only have a year to figure it out…a little bit of pressure. Man, i've got to go put on some big girl pants and get over it.

All in all, the semester has been one heck of a growing time, I know that I will come out stronger because the Lord is not going to fail me. It's just constantly knowing that He is really in control and being reminded of it every day (and sometimes every moment) instead of just when i'm freaking out. Ah,

"The Lord is gracious to all, He will never permit the righteous to me moved"

I really like Romans 12, if it's not perfect, just take it as a Lindsey paraphrase because I don't know where my Bible is, and if I deviate from this page i'll end up on facebook and late to class…

"I beseech you therefore brothers, by the mercies of God to present your bodies as a living sacrifice holy and acceptable to God which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world but be ye transformed, by the renewing of your minds that you may prove that which is the good, acceptable and perfect will of God…for we are one in the body of Christ…Let love be genuine, abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal; be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality."

Last few things that have been happening as of late:

I had the privilege of celebrating my dear friend Casey's 21st birthday at a really adorable frozen yogurt place in Lynchburg. It was wonderful, I kept telling her we were doing different things so she would have no idea that 12 of her friends were waiting to surprise her. I just love my friends, i'm so thankful for them.

I'm so thankful for (and i'm running out of time, so i'm just listing them) Casey, Amber, Kourtney, Chelsea, Kaytee, Danielle, Megan, and my other dear friends at school. I really am so blessed to have godly friends who really care about pursuing the Lord. It really is a treasure to have friends that desire the same things that you do, and not about having a boyfriend, or materialistic things. Not that we don't desire those, but I know that they are desiring to grow closer to the Lord first. It's a really big blessing.

Last, this is my favorite thing that has happened today…after sheetz being boycotted by Chelsea for their lack of a coke icee and being forced to go to Chickfila so she could have a chicken biscuit to learn that the "number 1's" we ordered were actually lunch items; I went to barnes and noble and got Beth Moore's "David" study and a soy caramel macchiato. I know, thrilling!! I'm actually really excited. I'm telling you guys, the Lord is going to do something good, probably not what I am expecting, but even still, something good.

I hope you are filled with the joy of the Lord today.

New Beginnings

Some pictures to show you a little bit about break

I spoiled the dog, really bad. He just, ah he looks at you with those eyes, and you have to give him treats. It's bad, good thing he's not my child.

Our Christmas Tree has so many ornaments, seriously, i'm pretty sure we didn't even put them all out. AND we still have one in the front room, and my brother and I's bedroom. We just love Christmas.

PASSION 2011. This picture is from the GO-Center, I thought it could sum up the whole experience in itself. Just imagine a large room filled with thousands of college students giving money to those in need. It gives me chills.

PASSION!

Before we went to camp for the party and wedding, we got snowed in and what better thing to do than snowboard?

Those were the pictures from break, and here are the thoughts...

I find it kind of funny in an ironic way that when I have the most free time I end up not blogging. Yet when I am the most swamped with things I should be doing I am on here writing about what is going on in my life.

Maybe that is more idiotic than ironic, as far as grades and priorities are concerned.

Tomorrow I leave my lovely home in the "warm" state without snow, and venture back to school with a pit stop in Durham, NC for the night.

It would by lying to tell you that i'm excited to go back, and it's not because I don't love my school or because I don't have good friends, because I do have some GREAT friends there. It's just, home is sweet, and a joy to be at. Home is comfort, and home is where people not just in my family, but Church family as well, have seen me and know me for who I am and see who I can be.

For a long time I thought if I just got away from all of this "being at home" stuff, that my life would really start, and everything would change, people would fall in love with me because I was ME, and not because I was so-and-so's daughter/sister/niece/friend. And although people do know me at school and camp without those labels and it's a blessing; I do miss being able to say "I'm Lindsey, you know ______'s ______" and have people go "Oh yes! I have heard about you" or "My, how you have grown up, tell me what is going on in your life".

I wish I could tell you all of the great goodness that has gone on in my life this past month on break. I was in one of my best friends weddings, I got to spend time at camp, I went to PASSION (and that in itself should have it's own post), and I got to hang out with people I haven't seen in a few months. I got to visit the youth group, and pop into different small groups and see how my favorite middle school and high school girls were doing. I had the chance to eat the weekly Sunday lunch with my "second family". I got to just relax and be with people who love me unconditionally, and that is a true blessing.

Something that I love is when you get to be around people who are vulnerable with you. Let me explain, I think in a friendship and a community of believers it is important to be able to be honest and open with each other. To sit with tears and through the brokenness of your heart be able to say "I'm struggling with this, and to be honest, I don't know what to do" and not worry about them thinking "no way, I can't believe that, well she isn't as strong as I thought she was" but coming along side of you and saying "I absolutely understand your pain, let me pray with you". I miss that. I have godly friends at school, but sometimes you need more than your peers, but older adults. Which is a little hard to find at a college with the majority of people in their early 20's. But, the Lord is faithful.

The biggest thing I can take away from this break is that for this past semester my identity was so found in ministry, and going higher up in ministry to girls on my hall. It's a great thing, but not when I am putting in my answer for God and not truly taking time to seek His. It took things changing suddenly and really unexpectedly so that it would be impossible for me to even apply for that ministry; for me to see that it wasn't what God had planned for me. Then, I stood at Passion and worshipped the Lord Jesus with 23,000 college students and heard incredible men and women of God say that it didn't matter your age God could use you to change the world. CHANGE THE WORLD. That's not a small thing, and it couldn't be done alone, but only through and for the name of Jesus Christ and His precious gospel.

So long I have tried to do this alone, and be a great woman of God, but I was missing something, I was missing my saving grace, the only One who could provide for my desires.

I know what God will do in my life will exceed my wildest imaginations, and it will be astonishing because it won't be anything I can do on my own apart from Him. I know satan will hate it, and I know that there will be a battle, but I also know, and was reminded of the team that stands behind me, the ones fighting along side of me for the same goal. To glorify the name of Jesus.

Jesus, On my knees, here I fall, in spite of it all

Hallelujah

And though it seems hard, I still trust in your love

Hallelujah

I have fallen so far, flat on my face

I’m in need of your grace today

Hallelujah

Sing hallelujah, amen

I guess it doesn't matter how I feel about going back to school, and living in my dorm room, and taking, dare I say the awful word, MATH. It doesn't really matter because that's what God has called me to do; and God, He never lets what He is doing in your life go uncompleted.

Holding Pattern

This is the common theme for me these days, talking about waiting and such. Something clicked in my head tonight, well, a few things. It's a miracle I tell you, this time in the semester I feel more brain dead than intuitive.

College is the biggest waiting game I think i've ever experienced. I was waiting to get into college, waiting to get moved in to college life, waiting to see what my major would actually be. In college you're waiting to finish a semester, waiting to graduate, waiting to see if your GPA is high enough for an honors club or graduate school. You wait to see if the man you will marry will suddenly leave flowers on your windowsill, you wait to see if you will even get married. You wait to see if you will get a job, who you are, what you'll end up doing, what leadership team you'll be on…ect. College is made up of waiting, and it drives me (and everyone I know) CRAZY.

So in the midst of my waiting game, or holding pattern, whatever would be more appropriate; and in the middle of my brain melting from stress, exhaustion, and just end-of-semester everything I finally found something that God used to speak to me. It has been so long since i've had the slightest feeling of anything deep in my soul (and by so long, I mean, I am so exhausted I just can't FEEL anything). So I read about waiting, and then they compared our season's of waiting with David (from the Bible).

David spent years shepherding sheep. YEARS. Hours a day slinging rocks at predators, doing the same thing thousands of other teen boys were doing. But those humdrum times were critical in God's economy. It was there where David began learning of God and gaining revelation of Him unmatched in that day. It was there where David's heart became one after God's own. It was there where David learned to be still, and know that God is God. It's kind of funny that we can look back and see how it was a time of preparation for David, I mean, he wouldn't have killed Goliath without them, he wouldn't be "a man after God's own heart" and a King if he hadn't learned to listen to God in those silent times in the field.

This was my favorite part of that blog:

"What feels like your dead-end right now could be the most critical season for what lies ahead. Now is the time for you to touch eternity. Get to know the One you desire to serve. Let your roots grow down deep so that your ministry flows from intimacy. Turn this season of apparent waiting into one of embracing Him who calls and equips.

“Whoever can be trusted with very little,” Jesus said, “can be trusted with much.” This job and season might seem little to you — as little as slinging a rock seemed to David. But that rock-slinging wasn't little to God. It was absolutely essential on multiple levels.

Being still and waiting might not be the favorites of present-day society, but they are still critical priorities in the Kingdom of God. This time in your life is fertile ground for God to shape Christ-like character, growing roots that have the strength to hold a tree and the fruit it bears. It may be that the only way you could waste it is by wishing it away."

I think that sums it up perfectly.

And now, look what I have to rest in. This is a season, and someday I won't be able to spur-of-the-moment pack up my laptop, Bible and various books and head off campus to Barnes and Noble, grab my favorite coffee, and be ALONE. So, I will enjoy these moments before they are no longer here, even if I desire something else. I have to fall in love with Jesus here, in this time, because if He isn't enough when He is all I have, then He won't be enough when I have everything I desire.

Yes, joy, hope, and love to others even when I look around and realize just about every table is full of couples, I will be with couples next weekend, I will be in a wedding, and then go home to celebrate a marriage that just happened with my friends. Yes, and answer the dreaded question: "So, are there any guys in your life right now?". I can serve God fully without a relationship, or whatever the world tells me I "must have" to be successful. There, pep talk.

Now, I must go take my first final.

Rings, flings, and other things

Okay, there really isn't a "fling" it just rhymed.

They say Spring is the time when the most relationships start, I say, FALSE! Fall is in fact the time for budding relationships to blossom…or shrivel up like the dying leaves. Good analogy? I believe it's safe to say that I have 20 friends, not couples, friends who have started serious relationships/gotten married/engaged since the summer, but mainly fall. Crazy, right?

I guess I am saying that i'm fine being here, but it's exciting to see everyone else start a new chapter of life; and experience that with them.

I can't believe this is the last week of classes before finals and break. The semester went by so fast and I have so much to do! Applications to turn in this week, projects to finish, tests to study for, weddings to be in, miles to drive home..you know. The normal…right?

I guess, as a young woman now, and as someone who has no idea what God is calling her to; it's easy for me to wonder what the rest of this winter will hold. Will it blossom into something beautiful and unexpected, or is it not yet time?

I guess it's something that..you're right, only time will tell. As I write this a girl just came in gushing about a date, exciting..and a chance to be envious..but ALAS! perfect timing. Perfect timing...

Church was really good today, i'm blessed to be apart of the community of believers I am in. He (one of the pastors) talked about Baptism, how it was so important to realize how much Christ has given for us; and what that means since we have been baptized. At the end of the sermon they played a video about changing the world. It sunk in, this is where I am now, and this is my time to do what God has called me to do; even if it's alone.

And in this I find my rest, and now I will find rest in the comfort of my bed as well…and hopefully I will wake up and it will be snowy outside again…or something like that :)

Bringing me to life

This is a time in my life where God is reinforcing so many things I believe, or tell my girls about, into daily life for me. As in, it's easy for me to believe something because I know it's Biblical truth and to tell girls who come and ask for advice on it…but, it's so much harder when I have to apply it to my life

Ah, so much easier said than done. As it always is.

"God is waiting for you to say and believe that I need Him more than I need my dreams to happen.

His grace is more than enough to not only heal a broken heart but fill it overflowing.

He is waiting for me to realize have that dreams on my list would not make me

feel more fulfilled than picking up my cross to follow Him."

I'm a woman, let's be real…I desire to be a wife and a mother. There BAM it's written. I know that the majority of women feel this way if they aren't married, especially if they are single and about to graduate and enter the real world…alone. It's terrifying to be honest. But, we can't anchor our identity in something smaller than Jesus. I know for myself it's something that has enslaved me. Who doesn't want to be loved and cherished and with a man of God who is leading you and serving in ministry alongside of you? I mean, it's something I feel that God has created me for.It's when I let that desire become so much stronger than anything else that it isn't good. I, as a woman of God, need to be immersed in the ministry and service He has called me to at THIS moment.

Our identity, security, purpose and meaning must be found in Christ, the One who has already chosen and accepted you.

There, i'm done ranting. So, things are stressful and don't always work out as hoped/planned/expected…but that doesn't mean that GOD is not BIG enough, STRONG enough, or WORTHY enough.

Because Jesus has won I am free to fail,

because Jesus is strong I am free to be weak,

because Jesus is someone, I am free to be no one.

"Oh God, let your grace illuminate the heart in me, you're brining me to life,

and i'm finding who I am in you. You're changing me inside

and i'm finding who I am in you, who I am in you."

I'm home, it's a glorious thing, it reminds me of how much I am loved, it reminds me who I was and who the Lord is creating me to be now. I get to see real life modeled by godly men and women..you know, outside of the college bubble; and I get to fellowship with people who have seen me growing up, seen where I have come from and understand that and encourage me to press on to where I am supposed to be.

Sometimes, I am so consistently battered by some things, that it's almost nice when it all comes crashing down, it's a painful relief. I know, that sounds contradictory, but sometimes it's just so good to finally have at least a moment of clarity, or I guess, maybe it would just be a break from those situations. Vague, right? Well, I really like this quote:

"FEARLESS is not the absence of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you've been hurt before. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again.. even though every time you've tried before you have lost. It's FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to some one who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them. I think its FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he's in love with some one else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they'll never stop doing, I think it's FEARLESS to stop believing them. It's FEARLESS to say "you're NOT sorry" and walk away. I think loving some one despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright... That's FEARLESS too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. Because love is FEARLESS." -Taylor Swift I guess, I know what I feel God has called me to, and I just need to run in that direction with all that I have and know that His plan will include things I don't expect. But, we can't put ideas in God's mouth, because that isn't even logical. "God, I trust you, and I think you really want ___________ for my life, thank you.." Ridiculous. So, I will run forward and pray, and know that someday…just, someday.